21-04-21

..mainly about my thoughts, ideas, experiences…tonight I got an idea WHY! I am obsessed with the stories about other peoples lifes…their stories. To me another persons story always catch my attention. I was watching a programme on the knowledge channel (sweden) about princetown universtity. This place is known for having the most intellectual people in the world. I did not understand a thing about what they said, but parallell it also potrayed them as human normal beings. One of the most prestigous mathematicians sons became a police and got shot by a crazy person in a park in Texas. Where is the logic or mathematic that something like this would happen? What was so touching was that even math and logic cannot protect you from this. He became a person of flesh and blood. It is not that I look down on these people but sometimes we tend to put them on a piedstal out of reach for us normal deadly people. Another girl that got a credentials and was admitted to study there…had so so big expectations on herself..and it kind of stopped her. Sometimes when we have a goal…we forget to make small goals on the way …we go for the Big goal right away. Then there was this russian born mathemtican that I really felt for a lot. His way of looking at math …it kind of being boxed in and you are trying to fight your way out with all kind of calculations, formals..theories… Instead he took on a shape like stepping out of the box of all this and try to look at it from the outside. He explained it in a way that I could relate to. This is what I am doing now by moving,,,leaving…breaking up. I want to be outside of the box to find new solutions or at least see things from another angle/view. I wrote in the beginning how I am always fascinated with the life stories of other people …and maybe one day somebody will be interested in my story. I dont want to put myself on a piedestal…but if other peoples stories are interesting maybe my lifestory is also intersting. Maybe one day someone want to hear it in the same way I have listened to so many lifestories both in real life…and also documentaries on tv like the one I watched tonight. One more important thing to mention and that is why I am making this move and that is that I need to get out of this situation, place, village because here it is very difficult to get into the social life and hear lifestories. Like I wrote in some thoughts before…this last winter has been one of the most depressing times in my life. I dont want it again. It might not be so social where I am going but at least it will be warm and a nice climate. Well just to top it off..my neighbour comitted suicide last night. He was an older man with mental problems…but still it was a life. I kind of helped the people that came for to visit him…explained how they could get into his flat. So there was quite a commotion in the house with doctors, police, ambulance and finally the undertakers came to take him away. Undertakers…what a name for the last ride. It is definetly not overtakers…they are definetly taking you 6 feet under…