verisimilitude..

is a word that fascinated me from the first time I heard it. The word has so many meanings to me, for example, ”like the truth”, ”instead of the truth”, ”looks like the truth”, ”the quality of seeming to be true”. It is so close to the truth but still not the truth. Today we are so clever and we use this way of communication very much in our every day life. We dont lie to people but on the other hand we dont tell them the whole truth many times or the full story. We keep some parts of the story to ourselfes and thereby making it look like the truth, verisimilitude! It is not a lie but it is also not the truth!

It is so common today that we dont react to it and we should. The problem is when we in our turn tell the story to the next person with our version….where does it end up then? It is not even close to the truth and not even verisimilitude anymore!

Also most of us dont do it out of malice/evil but just because we dont have time to tell the whole story and more important we feel that the person we are talking to is stressed and dont have time and maybe not even is interested. There are so so many pitfalls that often leads to misunderstanding and a thereby verisimilitude!

loyalty…

has many angles/aspects depending on many factors and can therefore sometimes be interpreted wrong and also misunderstood! There are or is some loyalities that are more strong and almost impossible to retract! The loyalty that you have within your own family. Even though many times this loyalty can be very strained and going through difficult times with a lot of tension, hard words, often there is still a sense of/kind of loyalty that counts in the end. The loyalty that you have towards your children is unquestionable and maybe the strongest loyalty whereas  children not all the time feel the same kind of loyalty towards the parents, not when they are growing up at least! The loyalty between friends can also be strong but there are certain degrees of loyalty in friendship that can change very rapidly. In loyalty between friends you expect it to be on equal terms, like you expect the same back as you give and vice versa. If this balance is disturbed by something, the quality of the loyalty can be affected and if it happens often it should affect the loyalty. Friendship loyalty is not a one way street but very much a two way street!

I have had kind of a crisis in my own life now where I thought that old friendship meant unquestionable loyalty. This is anyway my way of looking at it and I have lived strongly by this value! But lately I have experienced that maybe there was an imbalance and the interest of me and loyalty towards me, I had misjudged it and saw it in one specific situation that kind of opened my eyes and made me very sad and disappointed. And also a little angry. So this is where I have revalued or evaluted my loyalty and lets say on a scale from 1 to 10 where 10 is good and 1 is bad, so have this loyalty dropped from a clear 9 to a 4! I dont look for their approval and dont feel so happy now when I meet them. I dont look for meetings any more and other things. It make me sad, because I looked for this loyalty. I feel that loyalty is a kind of love and is included in love. I am strong social person that value loyalty more than money and material things. You cannot compare these two things.

So you can maybe say that I have or had high expectations of myself and thought of myself as something special! Yes maybe you are right, but I also felt that the loyalty I gave did not come back! So I apologise for having to high expectiations of these friends. But this does not mean we are enemies, far from!! But my feelings are not just the same anymore. It can be repaired but it can be difficult.

accumulation..

…an increase by natural growth or addition!

I like this definition ”natural growth or addition”! Life is a natural growth where things/experiences etc are added all the time. And I like the definition ”added” not subtracted! Which means that life is positive and you are always adding to your life, of course for good or bad. Often we marvel over people that have gone through terrible things and they still see it as an addition to their life and not a subtraction. Sometimes it takes some time before we see the addition but the attitude is that there is a ”light at the end of every tunnel”!

Another thought I had about accumulation is that most people see it as a race to have as much material things and money in the bank and then you die happy! My idea of accumulation is to look at life as a journey with temporary stopovers/stations and then move on until the final destination. My accumulation are the experiences I had in life, first of all my fantastic children and my grandchildren, friends, living in other countries, learning new languages and cultures, having good health, having had fantastic relationships with beautiful women (and still have!) and not so much the things I have which are not so much. Things/money are tools to get us somewhere and not a goal! Somehow I have survived with very little money/things and intend to let it be that way!

having the ass glued to the wagon…

……that drives you around in life without you having a clue or idea or maybe you dont care who is in control!

We can go through life and steal it and then look back and regret life! Wishing we had done things differently..when we  knew all the time that we we were just living a substitute life while life, the life we should have lived, passed us by. Sure we see other people that succed in changing their lifes but how and why? There are certain events in our lifes the makes us more inclined to change, when we not only talk about change!

Catastrophe..out of the ashes of the old comes the new…but in the moment it happens it is chaos

Grief..when someone close to you, someone you love passes away..same here..out of the black mourning slowly the rainbow will come

Economical crisis…unemployment, accident etc…here is our charachter truly tested and make change possible

Illness…to realise that I will never be well again!

But let me go back/reverse a little..this thing how we see ourselfes and others..we and them! We all (i presume this!) have in our acquaintance someone that have gone through some kind of change, crisis, chaos etc. How did this happen? Ask them how they cooped with it and how they dealt and came through it. What thoughts did they have when in crisis, what decisions did they make, what did they decide to change and WHY?

Why I am so obsessed with this subject is because I meet people both in my work, social life and when I travel that are not satisfied/happy about their lifes and present situation. WHY? Why dont they do something about it? I view them as being ”thiefes of life” ..and go through life without grab a hold of life! They are just using/abusing life and then when it is over and they die/pass on, they die as one big questionmark…

A story told from the French Legion that were stationed in North Africa made me wake up a little. Many young men joined this anonymous army to find excitement or escape from the western lifestyle. A soldier retold this story that when one of his comrades got shot and fataly wounded in a battle..he got to see him die in his arms and was the last person to see him alive..he looked deep into the dying soldiers eyes and saw something that woke him up and gave him a different look on life and made him take a hold of his own life. What he saw was not the fear of dying or the pain of the wound or sadness but it was just an empty gaze starring with one big question ”Why did I ever live?”

This is what scares me ….and keep me alive and living!

Not to complicate things and make myself to a depressed loner that lives like a hermit, hiding in the woods from everything and everybody..No that is not me! And not trying to live an ascetical monk life as that should be the answer, compensation for happiness. Maybe for someone else but not for me!

This is the core, the essence to it all ”What do I want from life?” Not just talk about it and wait for things to happen….what do I do, so my ass does not get glued to the wagon so somebody else drive me around and I cant get away…does it take a lifecrisis..a chaos…a chatastrophe?

My small philosophy as a young 64 year old is how to learn to appreciate my age and not looking back or yearn  for times gone by (I get a little nostaglic sometime, I am still human!), but I have found a way to say YES to my age, my sunset! Before 40 it is sunrise, pretty boring and not so colourful as a sunset! The sunset with all its colours is where you take all these experiences and start living with them and make use of them. Experience is a treasure not a luggage to be put away, it should take you to new levels, new destinations, new experiences! In short, LIVING!

The definition of who I am is more clear today then when I was a confused not yet 40 year old!