..i am so pleased to have been able to focus and concentrate on my story and maybe have found a self discipline to keep up the momentum!!!
Just remember that this is far from being finished and it is a living document. This means that I frequently correct misspellings, grammar and also add to my story where I find it important to fill in gaps. As I read through what I have written things come to my mind, remember events that I think are vital to my story/history so I add this as well. In short it is a story that changes by adding not altering!
sometimes I feel like my feelings are like an amputaded leg or arm or something like that. The feeling when you have lost your leg does not take away the sensation in your nerve-ends. It must be a horrible feeling to experience. Your brain say it is there and your physics tell you it is not. I have heard people feeling the sensation that your foot is itchy and you want to scratch it but it is not there. Terrible!
So this is sometimes how my feelings are now. I have somehow mutilated some of my feelings sort of….To be in touch with yourself is a popular saying, but what does it really mean? Sometimes I ask myself which one? ”Yourself/personality” is to me a multicoloured palatte! Because sometimes my feelings tell me one thing depending on my mood! (By the way mood is a very interesting word!) What I mean is that sometimes I can actually go against what I thought yesterday and I really cant explain why. The only reason or explanation is that I have several ”yourself”! How do I explain/defend this odd statement/remark?
First of all we have multiple lifes! Work, social, private, intimate, sober-drunk, moving(changing environment) and more! Not to mention how we change by age. One very important factor that can suddenly throw every thing up in the air! Health or rather no health! I also know by experience that when traumatic things happen in life it also affects ones personality/yourself!
Another remark that you often get confronted with is ” You are not yourself today!” So who am I then, if not yourself/myself?
Anyway some of my thoughts and reflections!
i feel so strong that in some ways i am a very split personality…in some ways i am playing one role and then change into someone I dont recognise..and do things that are not me or is it me? there is a troubled person living inside of me…damaged goods….too many changes in my life…need to rest..but cant..my melancholy is my best personality because it is my reflecting personality….trying to put things into perspective. As I grow older my life seem less and less meaningful. It is not that I have had a meaningful life, on the contrary, I have had a life that few can come close to. But this is not to put myself on some piedestal or glorify myself in any way. Just read my biography that I write under the titel ”Colombia and the story of my life!”. Here I try to write down my life story. So today my life seem to slowly pan out and the memories are becoming more important, instead of making memories. The nostaglic, remembering life is more and more on the agenda! This to explain or make some sense to the title ” damaged goods!”.
..grown to be 66! But so much of that time is still me! Tonight after coming home from work, kind of tired.. Watched a good english spy movie with fantastic actors….! A good movie. But I was thinking that I needed some good music. Believe me I had no idea that channel 1 in sweden was broadcasting ”the last walz!” with the Band!!!! It is a concert to die for. Was I in for a treat? Brings so many memories to life or my life of the 60s!