21-11-07

My mental health!!

I feel that I am in a vaccum, limbo, no mans land in my mind. There is not too much that is right…right now! I feel that I am not getting anywhere…a sense of direction, a purpose..

I think the last couple of years since I lost my apartment has been a puzzle to find the pieces again. But you cant build with the old pieces, they are the past and the past is no more. Not only do I have to make the puzzle, I also have to construct the pieces.

It does not make it easier as I dont have my old friends there…the ones that were the shoulder I could cry on or speak my heart and feelings…This is another story that I have touched before…they just became coffee friends…when I needed a meal!

I once was a power cable that felt the power of purpose…but now it is cut. A powercable consits of  lot of small wirening…thin threads of copper intertwined with each other. In a way very similar to our nervous system…so fine and intricate. If there is a cut in this system you feel it. Small cuts are easy to fix,mend,,,but if there is a major cut..it is something else. It just feels that there to many loose ends to mend right now.

Of course there are good things to fall back to, my children and grandchildren, but it is not them that have to carry my burden. They have a great life and are having their ups and downs. I know if I would burden them with my problems, it would hurt them and worry them. So it is better not. I do this out of love for them and also to protect them. Anyway they are the ones that keep me going, even if they dont know it.

Apart from this I have a new girlfriend whom I love very much and sad to say she gets the to hear and read my ups and downs. I treat her sometimes bad, but it is because I miss her and she cannot really fill that void in my heart, mind and soul. She has her family to take care of…the burden of finances and all the everyday care. So in her life I am not the priority and can never be, of obvious reasons. I try to tell her this sometimes and sometimes not so good. The pain of missing her hurts and especially when I know she cannot be there more than now and then. And sometimes there is a language/communication barrier, since my spanish is not that good and her english is not good either. A lot of misunderstanding happens,,,very frustrating, especially for me that rely very much about communication. I feel sad for her…

So mending this powercable, my life, feels sometimes useless and not motivated. It feels like I am on my way to another direction, self extinction/annihilation. Where I dont find a way to fix it, find the motivation to go on…It does not help that I am 70 which kind of also says something. Even though people compliment me for my looks and dont believe that I am 70. But to me it is a fact, that sometimes get at me. I dont feel like it in a way, but it hits me from time to time. I am not  afraid of death(sometimes is scares me), but it so definite that is is out there somewhere and it can be closer than I think. Who can measure life and say it its years, months, weeks, days, hours, seconds…because in one second it is gone, over

So I am trying to find my way in this chaos…and at least mend some small threads to keep the ”power” flowing…but instead of 500volts…it is maybe 20 volts that is working..and I am trying to make it more…it is a long way.. to get this mind, heart, soul and body to work again…

will keep writing here…when I comes and there is more to say.