i feel so strong that in some ways i am a very split personality…in some ways i am playing one role and then change into someone I dont recognise..and do things that are not me or is it me?  there is a troubled person living inside of me…damaged goods….too many changes in my life…need to rest..but cant..my melancholy is my best personality because it is my reflecting personality….trying to put things into perspective. As I grow older my life seem less and less meaningful. It is not that I have had a meaningful life, on the contrary, I have had a life that few can come close to. But this is not to put myself on some piedestal or glorify myself in any way. Just read my biography that I write under the titel ”Colombia and the story of my life!”. Here I try to write down my life story. So today my life seem to slowly pan out and the memories are becoming more important, instead of making memories. The nostaglic, remembering life is more and more on the agenda! This to explain or make some sense to the title ” damaged goods!”.

..grown to be 66! But so much of that time is still me! Tonight after coming home from work, kind of tired.. Watched a good english spy movie with fantastic actors….! A good movie. But I was thinking that I needed some good music. Believe me I had no idea that channel 1 in sweden was broadcasting ”the last walz!” with the Band!!!! It is a concert to die for. Was I in for a treat? Brings so many memories to life or my life of the 60s!

…suddenly everything else seem so small! Your financial problems, the problems at work, carrepairs, the argument with your loved ones and many more things! It is like all these things are things that are actually manageable wheras when you have a health condition that is out of your control, you suddenly get a whole different focus and ONLY one focus! GET WELL!

So this is my health story/journey that just happened to me. I call it journey because when I look back from the moment it began until I regained control it is definetly like a journey but a very painfull journey!

Friday afternoon or early evening I started having problems to pee! Has happened before so I did not pay so much attention to it, but had another beer and continued life as usual. But it did not go away and the whole night I was up and out of bed, but could only pee very little and I always had the feeling after each toilett visit that there was much left. And after some time I started feeling pain in my urin canal as well which was very irritating!

Saturdaymorning I was quite exhausted after a night of up and down! I was taking some painkillers/antiinflammatory non presciptional pills also all night, but to little help. During saturday it intensified and now it was extremely painful to pee and to get just a centiliter urin out was difficult. So my whole day was nearly a journey back and forth to the toilett. Now I started to have pain in my lower abdomen as well, it was starting to swell up. This meant I could no longer lay down and stretch out my legs normaly. So most of my time I spent walking around.

But as stubborn as I am I was sure it will go away by itself and suddenly it will be gone! And was I wrong, but it took me nearly another 24 hours before I had learned my lesson! 24 hours is a very very long time, especially when it is counted in seconds!  That is how it feels when you are going through it, you count every second hoping it will go away, but it did not go away by itself. That is the way I am, so stubborn and stupid also before I go to the doctor! I imagine that suddenly it will go away by itself and life will go on as usual, but not this time!

To further prove my stupidity I was going to a friend in the evening to eat and have some beers and wine. Trying to act like everything is ok, but was I out for a surprise! I went and we had a beer, watched some football and he went to get a pizza. Could I concentrate? Not for one second! I had to go to the bathroom constantly, because I have a constant sensation that I neeeeeed to go pee so badly hoping something will come but nothing happens apart from a little tricle sometimes that was very painful at that. So after half the pizza I excused myself and told my friend that I had to go home, because I was as social as a dead zombie just about! But was I in for a nightmare night, but awake!

This is probably one of my most painfull nights, physically, in my life! I have had some mental/psychological moments that I could say are equal, but this was the moment of actual physical pain which of course also take a lot of mental strength as well. I came home and of course went straight to the toilett for the 51:11 time! But nothing happened as usual. I told my girlfriend in Colombia and she said ”Go to doctor!” ok maybe i should? I looked up the number to the emergency here in town, but waited to call thinking and hoping it will pass and everything will will be ok. But no way!!! Now it was impossible to lay down and if I did, I had to lay on my stomach with my legs pushed up against my chest. How comfortable is that? And it did not take away the pain.  So I tried to make it comfortable in the bathroom while sitting on the toilett. I brought in a chair and put a pillow on so I could rest my head while sitting on the toilett. Still waiting and hoping the pain would go away! So stupid when I look back now! I had started to call the emergency number now, around 10pm. But it was always a answering machine saying they had a lot to do at the moment and to call back later. So I did for a couple of hours and trying to cope with me not able to peeee more than a tiny trickle every time and literally making the toilett my constant home.

The night came to morning and my condition was going from bad to worse. After a few futile tries to contact the emergency, I decided that if anything is going to channge I have to make the 700 meter walk there. I tried to get on my pants but my stomach was so swollen that there was no chance to get them on. So I got on my soft pants and my big jacket, hat and gloves. So I started my big march and believe me that if anyone saw me they probably would wonder ”What is wrong with him? Does he have a bad hangover or is on some bad drug?” Thoose 700 meters were 1 meter at a time!

By the way before I left I did something that never has happened during my 25 years working! I called in sick, because at 1pm I was supposed to start. So now I cant say that I worked without one day sick! But now the situation made it impossible to work.

So after, what seemed like an endless walk, I finally arrived at the entrance of the emergency. There was not many people, so I got through the check in very fast. They took me into a room and right away ordered an ultra sound on my bladder. And it was full!!! It hurt when I lay down. My God! The nurse quickly came back and put a small tube into my urinepipe, but before that she put some ointment so it would not hurt when she put the tube to reach my bladder. And now the miracle happened! Out came over 1 liter of urine and before I left it had come nearly 2 liters! But the pain was gone and I was able to relax for the first time 36 hours. And while waiting for the doctor I fell asleep. My diagnosis was or is a slightly enlarged prostata and will be remitted to an urolog doctor for examinination. Because my bladder is so enlarged I have to wear a catheter for a week in order for the muscles to contract properly again.

Lesson learned, dont wait so long. My bladder could have burst and in that case I would not have been able to write this.

I went to visit death and rang on deaths door! It was a loud and hollow sound when the bell stroke. But it only stroke once and then faded like a rolling echo….Nobody came to answer and I looked to see if death was at home. Then I saw the sign on the door where it said!

BY APPOINTMENT ONLY! BEWARE OF USING THE BACKDOOR!!! At the moment we have no vacancy for work, but please leave your application at your undertaker of choice, popular  called ”the white letter!” Thanks for stopping by and see you sooner or later!

greetings The Grimm Reaper!

…is very complex because there are many things to take into consideration!  first of all Purpose!  Why do i write?  Because in writing there is the freedom of the writer to express himself regardless of audience reaction!  As a writer you have the right to express yourself and this is the writers privilegium!  But of course I dont consider myself as a writer / author!  I am just writing things,  not making anything of myself!  But writing for me is very important and I dont write to be something Or be examined!  It is just a basic need that i have like eating, breathing,  drinking,  going to the toilett etc! So can i write just to write?  Why not?  I think and believe that in a way it is called freedom of speech! Freedom of expression oneself!

welcome to trump land! like a disney land but in construction or destruction? you are promised rides that you have so far not yet experienced. be it a happy ride or a ride in the horror tunnel…be sure it will be a rollercoster ride as well….And I thought that never politics would degenerate to a Disney amusement park world….! A person in a leading position simplyfying it to a Disney world….! a black and white world….a You and They world…..AND THE WORST….HE THINKS AND BELIEVE HE HAS THE ANSWERS….TO IT ALLLLLLLLLLL! Trump through his twitters makes him look like he is untouchable and everybody is wrong but HIM! It makes hitler look like a kindergarten kid! but the funny thing is that hitler played his cards after being elected but trump plays his cards before elected and still is being elected….So has the world (trump) learned from history??? NOOOP we are in a greater messsssss than ever before…..GOOOD LUCK WORLD!!!the world has enough of unpredictable leaders and presidents from putin in russia, chinas totalitarian leadeship..the iranian nonparalimiterian democracy incoherence….saudi such a stupid idotic theocrazy..still in existence….and now ….THE ABSLOUTE SHINING LIGHT demoCRAZY. USA…is going CRAZY…
SO WELCOME DEAR TRUMP TO JOIN TO BE REMEMBERED ALONG WITH HITLER,,,STALIN,,,,MUSSOLINI….FRANCO…PINOCHET,,,,,AND DONT FORGET ARGENTINA,,…VENEZUELA…and many more…and the present erdogan in Turkey!!! an upcoming ”star” in the sky of infamous dictators!

General Trump for me you will never have the credit for president! because for you blood is not a soul but water to be washed away for the greater good….! I doubt so so so much that you have soul, heart. compassion, humility, love, consideration for your fellow man (except if he has money!). why i write this is because so far you have not proved the opposite!! Twitter says it ALLLLL!

…can NO one take away from you and is of more worth than all The gold and silver in the World! Because when you lay there taking your last Breath that what matters in life!  Please dont realise  this too late! When did you last say these words? ”You matter to me!”

..oneself! I am imposing/enforcing an experiment on myself?? What does it mean? Is it dramatic? Or is it just a simple confirmation on who I am or in what way I am looked upon, even how I look at myself/ME! The social, happy person making contacts with just about anyone without problems! Often initiating the contact! And this is also with my friends! Or?? Sometimes I feel it is toooooo much of a one way contact/communication!! I often write them a sms or email or phonecall!! ”Go for a beer/coffee?” seldom being the one being called upon! Not that they decline or say NO! But sometimes maybe I am IMPOSING! Because if they have something else they dont have any problems cancel the meeting even if it was decided upon, like you cancel the appointment with your dentist, doctor, hairdresser….! ”Sorry, Torbjörn, something came up! See you next time!”

And I want to say ”Sorry for imposing on your time! Sorry for asking to ask to meet! Take a beer or coffe! I understand you have more important things in life to attend to!”

I have no problems with being a loner, taking a beer or coffee by myself! But I also enjoy company friendship, but not at any cost!

Sometimes this is why I feel like I am an imposer(not imposter!) intruding in peoples lifes. Oblige them to see me/ meet me , but me most of the time initiating the contact like I wrote before!

So my experiment is! Will I ”celebrate” New Years Eve by myself? Because I am not going to ” impose” ask ” Hello! What are you doing? New Years Eve?” because one friend already said that ”something came up!” after we had decided to celebrate!

And I am not going to impose/ask anyone! Just curious if anybody will ask/invite me!

are dead and only the mortals are still alive!