..i promise that one day I will sit down and listen to a devoted supporter of this man to try to understand how one can understand and support this man….i will listen to my ears bleed…my eyes are dim..my voice is numb and maybe my heart stop..and my mind explode…and I die…

because I cant in my wildest fantasy/imagination see him as the worlds saviour….if you look at movies when mussolini made speeches..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfS8AulsYRk

the trump supporter that does not see the resemblance…i dont know..

a psychopat…always a psychopat!

…in english and swedish!

…can be of many kind…I think that I have written about this before but I just thought about it today and maybe why I am the way I am..

so friends….

close friends are right now very few if any in my life right now..because of the way I define a close friend…it is a person that I can rely on and say what is on my heart…ventilate my thoughts…feelings…ideas…problems… yes everything without thinking it would fire back at me (like non close friend did)….the worst kind of hurt …close to betrayal..

some of my close friends have become friends..and how do you go from close friend to just friend..well it is easy…distance..no heartful conversations…just coffee talk…a brief meeting..and no more. When i ask for more..they are tired or dont have time….so i distance myself…dont want to bother or be in the way…and so they go from close friends to just friend…this is ok also..because we are not enemies. But still it is a separation.

I always seem to ask for more and sometimes too much maybe…but i also ask much of myself…I try to look forward to new things…and not look at only the old things to find new things…but new horizons…

i will be buried at the horizon and not in a past memory…

lord knows how i became this kind of person…because i dont know…still trying to figure it out! peace of mind…is my hope and belief…but how, when and where?

and friends…keep contact…especially close friends…even when you dont feel like it…i tried…but i guess i was tooo much…

i have become the ”friend” that when people see my coming down the street they turn right or left to not meet me…i have become a paraia!

https://livet.se/ord/kategori/Latin_och_Latinska_citat

sounds so much more when said in latin and the original language!

..a strange title..and it does not make sense…but when you decide to write about certain subjects that come to mind…you have to write…

greed…this is what is destroying the todays society…greed is everywhere in society today..not only in the corrupt criminal world ..but also in the established recognised world. In the corrupt world,,,is it so easy to discover??(I have many things to say about how ”good” the corrupt world is!!) But what irritate me more is how the ”white” visible world is as corrupt! It is not so easy to say in few words, but when a highpaid official get demoted with sustained wage and a new job….because of a job not well done?? So then the law is condoning in proper behaviour..or?? so in the common language this is ”legal” corruption? Or how do you explain it? This is GREED because it cant be explained any other way.

My personality…I realised what a person I am when I saw myself in another person…Then I saw the awful thruth about some of my own behaviour. In the interaction with people/friends it is so easy to become too much. And I have come to understand that in some situations with friends I am toooo much. It does not have to be in big things. What made me come to this realisation is when a friend that I have now is tooooo much..he knows everything…can everything…has the answer..etc.. not in a bad way or being aware of it…but just tooo much. And I come to same conclusion….I AM TOOOO MUCH…i will try to be aware of it….

The 7 deadly sins….something I am working on…and it is as real as the 7 virtues!

..the death zone! I am by age in this zone now. It is so to say a dead end street(zone)!

Life has its cycles,,,birth zone….teenagezone…middleage zone….coming of age zone….retirement zone and now where I am, the dead zone. Maybe the most interesting!

In this zone there is nothing after to live for, so to say. Now I have to summarise my life…contemplate…can there be more that I can do. I dont mean that I am sitting with my arms crossed and waiting for death to come.

But now I know these days are the beginning of the last days….where the end is a total termination. So what will I do with these last days of my life?

With on word…LIVE! of course.

I hope to live the last days of my life…health of course…living the last days in illness, dementia is nothing I wish anybody. So far it is looking good…I am 69 and this year turning 70. And I feel that coming to be 70 and being as healthy as I am is a priviledge.

Priviledge is a powerful word to use and I feel that for me it is real. I can still move and do things without any assistance..taking care of everything in my daily life. Even working to keep a good financial level. Yes I am priviledged and am looking forward to do new things and planning to do some changes the next coming years. Living in the dead zone can be more alive than any other zone.

Appreciate life..is something you do in the dead zone…more than any other zone.

One of the important subjects that you can only do in the dead zone and that is to make peace with yourself…life can give you one more last chance to make things right and most of all make peace with yourself.

To die with peace in once heart…must be the riches everyone wants to achieve.

when you live in the ”death zone” this is what goes through your mind…and …soul….and …spirit….and heart! What else are there to think about, that is of more importance/value?

..has the answer to so much that happens in the world today. When it comes to politics and world population awareness/conscience we are close to the so called dark ages….the polarisation of the world today with all the conspiration theories…and alternative facts…the fake news….it is like we are thrown out into a chaos world with so many forces manipulating us. We also have many weakening democracies even in Europe…the base and foundation for democracies…and then we have countries that are going from bad to worse…China are expanding their territories…Brazil with Bolzanero, what will he do…Phillipines…and many african countries….thailand…colombia…myanmar…the polarisation in india…pakistan…iran…Afghanistan..saudiarabia…uae…syria…turkey…and more….

Dont tell me we live in an enlightened, full of knowledge, common sense world! on the contrary..with all this knowledge we are as far from the truth and common sense as humanity were in the middle ages. We as humans have not come very far…on the contrary…we have become fools.

professing themselfes to be wise they became fools. we have so many experts today competing for wisdom but by this they become fools!

another very sensitive subject is nature and our environment…can we do something about it?? I dont think so..why? because this is the age of extinction…and this has happened many times throughout the ages! old species have gone and new one has come. Can you see yourself as an enviroromentialist during the age when the dinosour died out or the mammouth…or whatever! or the different walks of mans development…evovling!! Are we better now? more evolved? I dont think so!

Regardless of what age or century we are born into…we still posses the same human characteristics…mainly the pshycic/psykology personality. My tese is that we have not evolved very far from this…and this is why history repeats itself…and goes in circles..

It is so interesting to hear all the different experts promoting their own doctrines/ideas…one saying so and the other this…can you imagine the confusion during the middle ages….they were allllll experts at that time…

We should be at least…humanity 6,5? above the grade of the middle ages 1.0…..Nope…we are not +6.5…we are -6.5! Why? We should know better! so we thought!

has come to be one of the most liberating(relief) words(sentenence) in my life. Especially when it comes to people that I have had to change my mind/opinion about.

It is not that in a way I was wrong, because these people that I am thinking about was in the past living in a lets say a questionable life. (as a paranteses..so did I!) So people could be right about me…but I have changed..maybe too many times!!

Anyway these people that I now have come in contact with..through work and other channels have definetly changed and have become totally different persons.

A background is that when I worked in social work in my hometown I came in contact with a lot of people with a questionable way of life. So this is the background..about 20 years back in time, Where I was the ”good” guy and they were the ”bad” guys so to say. Anyway to make a long story short…now it has past 20 years and in some instances maybe more.

I meet these people today…and I can just say,,fantastic. So wherein lies the problem, the intrigue, the question? We both sit in front of each other today…I know…her/his past…and have this picture, opinion…from the past…as a shadow,,hanging over the whole conversation.

Why it is so delicate is that in the past I was the superior/good guy and he/she was the bad/in need of rehab person! But now?? We are equals!

What is eating on me is to say to this person…how much I admire and in a way say..

I am sorry…I was wrong! Because YOU have come out on the other side..with flying colours and you are a humble loving emphatic person that are worth more than just my apology and recognition…You have my respect!

This is me…this is I…this is a person…this is a man….this is a Life…this is no longer Young…but old…a shadow of what was…no no not a shadow…a faded, fat, bald old body…

is it on the emptying road…like the tub…is the life getting empty…or can I still fill it up…can I reverse…stop the draining…get the tub filled up again..

need to find a source of refilling…a Place where I can feel Peace of mind, heart and soul. so so simple…but so hard and difficult…because I really dont know if I will find it…live it …experience it…

I want so much to fill it up once again…my Little ”bathtub”….I dont ask for much…just like my Little bathtub…I want it to be simple…easy to handle..not complicated….just my Little bathtub…but still difficult to fill…

i dont want or need a jacuzzi..swimmingpool or a normal bathtub….just enough to fill my 200liter bathtub…and in reality i only need 100liters because when i sit in it ..the volume of my body does the rest ”Eureka” like Archimedes said when he took a bath in his small bathtub!!

…I sadly or happily have come to this conclusion in my life. Right now everything is in between in my life…in between friends…in between homes…in between jobs…in between countries….in between is a long word…and you never know when it ends. In a way I am trying my best to end it…but then on the other hand how did I end up here? Was my life such a disaster…failure…mistake? No..thank God there are branches to hang on to!

But right now I am looking for a way out. I bought myself a small bathtub (60cm in lenght and 80 in depth) that have been my therapi. Tonight I thought about it because it is so small and it is a little crazy why I like it so much….I have to crumble up in it and sit in a fetal position…And I sit there in a steaming hot water mini tub…and I relax. OK it is like being in your mothers womb again…maybe that is why it such a good therapy! You tell me! They say from the moment you were born…you whole life you are always striving to get back in there…..I guess the best time in your life was the time before you were born…because after that all hell brooke loose! Just kidding..or? You screamed like hell when you came out ..or?

I relax a lot when I sit in this foster position a few times a week…candles lit…a cold beer..or a glas of red wine…and soft music….and hot water that nearly cook my flesh….and sweat…..then I contemplate….IF TODAY WAS PERFECT…THERE WOULD BE NO NEED OF TOMORROW! It is kind of crazy because most people but big jaucusis and tubs…and I sit here in my minitub….such an opposite…

So I will continue my road ”in between” to whatever destination life will take me this time…

I am making plans for another home….another country…

the sad ending is….that I thougt would never happen…in-between-friends. I might be alone….and even somewhat lonely…but I am just in-between…right? everything comes to an end or beginning….