has come to be one of the most liberating(relief) words(sentenence) in my life. Especially when it comes to people that I have had to change my mind/opinion about.
It is not that in a way I was wrong, because these people that I am thinking about was in the past living in a lets say a questionable life. (as a paranteses..so did I!) So people could be right about me…but I have changed..maybe too many times!!
Anyway these people that I now have come in contact with..through work and other channels have definetly changed and have become totally different persons.
A background is that when I worked in social work in my hometown I came in contact with a lot of people with a questionable way of life. So this is the background..about 20 years back in time, Where I was the ”good” guy and they were the ”bad” guys so to say. Anyway to make a long story short…now it has past 20 years and in some instances maybe more.
I meet these people today…and I can just say,,fantastic. So wherein lies the problem, the intrigue, the question? We both sit in front of each other today…I know…her/his past…and have this picture, opinion…from the past…as a shadow,,hanging over the whole conversation.
Why it is so delicate is that in the past I was the superior/good guy and he/she was the bad/in need of rehab person! But now?? We are equals!
What is eating on me is to say to this person…how much I admire and in a way say..
I am sorry…I was wrong! Because YOU have come out on the other side..with flying colours and you are a humble loving emphatic person that are worth more than just my apology and recognition…You have my respect!
This is me…this is I…this is a person…this is a man….this is a Life…this is no longer Young…but old…a shadow of what was…no no not a shadow…a faded, fat, bald old body…
is it on the emptying road…like the tub…is the life getting empty…or can I still fill it up…can I reverse…stop the draining…get the tub filled up again..
need to find a source of refilling…a Place where I can feel Peace of mind, heart and soul. so so simple…but so hard and difficult…because I really dont know if I will find it…live it …experience it…
I want so much to fill it up once again…my Little ”bathtub”….I dont ask for much…just like my Little bathtub…I want it to be simple…easy to handle..not complicated….just my Little bathtub…but still difficult to fill…
i dont want or need a jacuzzi..swimmingpool or a normal bathtub….just enough to fill my 200liter bathtub…and in reality i only need 100liters because when i sit in it ..the volume of my body does the rest ”Eureka” like Archimedes said when he took a bath in his small bathtub!!
…I sadly or happily have come to this conclusion in my life. Right now everything is in between in my life…in between friends…in between homes…in between jobs…in between countries….in between is a long word…and you never know when it ends. In a way I am trying my best to end it…but then on the other hand how did I end up here? Was my life such a disaster…failure…mistake? No..thank God there are branches to hang on to!
But right now I am looking for a way out. I bought myself a small bathtub (60cm in lenght and 80 in depth) that have been my therapi. Tonight I thought about it because it is so small and it is a little crazy why I like it so much….I have to crumble up in it and sit in a fetal position…And I sit there in a steaming hot water mini tub…and I relax. OK it is like being in your mothers womb again…maybe that is why it such a good therapy! You tell me! They say from the moment you were born…you whole life you are always striving to get back in there…..I guess the best time in your life was the time before you were born…because after that all hell brooke loose! Just kidding..or? You screamed like hell when you came out ..or?
I relax a lot when I sit in this foster position a few times a week…candles lit…a cold beer..or a glas of red wine…and soft music….and hot water that nearly cook my flesh….and sweat…..then I contemplate….IF TODAY WAS PERFECT…THERE WOULD BE NO NEED OF TOMORROW! It is kind of crazy because most people but big jaucusis and tubs…and I sit here in my minitub….such an opposite…
So I will continue my road ”in between” to whatever destination life will take me this time…
I am making plans for another home….another country…
the sad ending is….that I thougt would never happen…in-between-friends. I might be alone….and even somewhat lonely…but I am just in-between…right? everything comes to an end or beginning….
—and I just finished a bottle of a good red wine and top it off with an lpa beer!
Came home after almost 3 Days of work….at 23 at night…so where does my day or night begin? When is my breakfast…lunch or supper? Or when is my wine or beer? when do i go to sleep? or when will i Wake up tomorrow(which is already today)…do I have a plan? or a Schedule…?
NOOO….so if there is no plan…no Schedule for tomorrow(already today)….do I have to Wake up or just make the day pass….into the day that comes after tomorrow…..which will be just Another day without a plan or Schedule…..
so then I can just let every day pass by….and wait for the tomorrow when it will happen…that did not happen today!
fragmentize, sever, split up
In a way all these words fit in what I am about to write. When I heard the word ”Break Up” on the radio today it hit me that my life are so full of break ups and sometimes break downs!
It is kind of weaved into my life story ”Colombia and the story of my life!”
Some breakups are by choice and others are involontary out of your own control. These last ones are definetly the hardest and most difficult to get through. They cause deep wounds and leave permanent scars..Some deeper and more visible, although invisible, they are like a tatoo. At least they feel like it! So I fint need any tattos!!! I have plenty of them!
I will try to find the time to account for them later on in this article/reflection.