can intelliegens be an -ism? Does it degrade intellekt? IF we make it an -ism! We always or most of the time rely on expertis (by definition -intelligent),,,,radio…TV…newspapers…. media…..refer to experts(intelligent People)to analyse situations.

My point is that there are toooooo many experts called on to analyse a situation. One expert say One thing and another Day something opposite……etc…

21-04-02

i find myself imitating the person I am in care to care for…the so called down syndrome try to understand the death of someone close…even a boyfriend…just to make it more concrete.

a person with down syndrome…a wonderful person with more qualities in life than me.. had a boyfriend that she loved and talked about in the most loving ways…She loved him in so many ways and yet we ”normal” ignore or her ways of handling her sadness/sorrow. The sadness is that we try to define sorrow of a lost one in these so called disfunctional peoples life. For me it is on the contarary ..they have a right to their way of expressing sorrow of someone they lost. I so dislike when we because of the so called disabiliity brush away their right of expreissing sorrow.. I believe we can learn from these so called disability syndroms…because we so called normal have disability….when someone passes on.

for me it is the biggest mystery how we are as a race..humans..and we cannot find a way to be humans..how in the world can we come to a common denominator.. I have tried to understand and analyze what always complicate this way of uniting us and there are many…language, culture, history, colour etc…thoose are things that are easy to understand and also easily explained. What is more difficult to explain is why people that have common language, culture, history etc…still have a problem to agree and understand. Even within families that are the closest of structures..there can be big conflicts and differences. This really troubles me..as a human! Why! What troubles me on both the macro level and micro level is that it is happening on both levels. The strange thing is that the direction is set..because on the macro level…world politics/economics the world is set on  course of many conflicts meaning war to the point that the global warming will come in the backwater. We have more crisis in the world more urgent than the climate crisis. On the macro level/the world…we are on the way to a polarisation not ever known before. And it is a self destructive developement. This is human race on the macro level. On the micro level/my life…I have to come to understanding how difficult I am..especially now and the situation I am in now. So I can blame the situation. To understand it is important to know that I am not feeling so good right now. I am in a transitional phase. The phase I have been in is not a good phase. I moved to this small place away from a situation that was too much for me. Running away? No! I had enough of this place which was my old town…my place of birth. my God this is such a big subject…I dont know how to finish it right now! I realise that there are toooo many parameters to finish it in just a few sentences….especially on the micro level. I feel like I might look like a confused person to many people I meet. Maybe because many of my meetings right now are very incoherent/spontaneous…not making sense…trying to say too many things in few sentences…i am out of practice…probably confuse people…they tend to distance themselfes from me… My need for social contact can appear/seem somewhat intense…and so when I get rejected…not because of my what I say but because of my intensity in how I say it. In a way this fits into my analyse of human relation/connections/meetings on the micro level. Intensity in the way we communicate can be a disturbance on the receiving end of the communication. My way of intensity I feel is sometimes my weakness..why people distance themselfes from me…But still this is I!! So am I at fault in this trying to be a mentor of humans…or a mismatch? Can I contribute to the human race or am I just a fly on the wall …a crazy thought among another 1.000.000 thoughts and maybe billions. Because on the micro level there are soooo many thoughts and differences… maybe even more than on the Macro level ….

21-04-12

..is complicated…because control to me is more of securing other peoples lifes..be a lifeline for other people..first of all my children..if they ever were in need..financially or spiritually…and I have involved myself with quite a few other people and organisations…mainly financially. But once you start to support/help/assist…or whatever…you cannot backdown..so I am in control!! but in a way that kind of put me in the back seat..beacause the ones that really control are in the front seat. The only problem is that they cannot ”control” unless I keep sending them the funds to fill up the ”fuel/gasoline”. Hey Torbjörn…I am driving but we are running out of gas…and I say..of course….Fill it up! Have I lacked anything from my backseat view..not a thing, on the contrary! Ihave had more than I could ever think of..but I never thought of accumalting a great wealth…sometimes I wish more wealth..because I spontainously give all the time…but I wish that I could be the Santa Claus in many more peoples lifes….. Anyway right now I can support a few people and organisations…my godchild/since 11years(barefoot foundation).a single mother with a child(not my child)…my fiance(not everything)..my own son…doctors without borders,,,playing for change,,,colombia reports…avaz…and there are always spontaneous donations every month as well. So yes I am in control…but is this another definition of control?

21-04-21

..mainly about my thoughts, ideas, experiences…tonight I got an idea WHY! I am obsessed with the stories about other peoples lifes…their stories. To me another persons story always catch my attention. I was watching a programme on the knowledge channel (sweden) about princetown universtity. This place is known for having the most intellectual people in the world. I did not understand a thing about what they said, but parallell it also potrayed them as human normal beings. One of the most prestigous mathematicians sons became a police and got shot by a crazy person in a park in Texas. Where is the logic or mathematic that something like this would happen? What was so touching was that even math and logic cannot protect you from this. He became a person of flesh and blood. It is not that I look down on these people but sometimes we tend to put them on a piedstal out of reach for us normal deadly people. Another girl that got a credentials and was admitted to study there…had so so big expectations on herself..and it kind of stopped her. Sometimes when we have a goal…we forget to make small goals on the way …we go for the Big goal right away. Then there was this russian born mathemtican that I really felt for a lot. His way of looking at math …it kind of being boxed in and you are trying to fight your way out with all kind of calculations, formals..theories… Instead he took on a shape like stepping out of the box of all this and try to look at it from the outside. He explained it in a way that I could relate to. This is what I am doing now by moving,,,leaving…breaking up. I want to be outside of the box to find new solutions or at least see things from another angle/view. I wrote in the beginning how I am always fascinated with the life stories of other people …and maybe one day somebody will be interested in my story. I dont want to put myself on a piedestal…but if other peoples stories are interesting maybe my lifestory is also intersting. Maybe one day someone want to hear it in the same way I have listened to so many lifestories both in real life…and also documentaries on tv like the one I watched tonight. One more important thing to mention and that is why I am making this move and that is that I need to get out of this situation, place, village because here it is very difficult to get into the social life and hear lifestories. Like I wrote in some thoughts before…this last winter has been one of the most depressing times in my life. I dont want it again. It might not be so social where I am going but at least it will be warm and a nice climate. Well just to top it off..my neighbour comitted suicide last night. He was an older man with mental problems…but still it was a life. I kind of helped the people that came for to visit him…explained how they could get into his flat. So there was quite a commotion in the house with doctors, police, ambulance and finally the undertakers came to take him away. Undertakers…what a name for the last ride. It is definetly not overtakers…they are definetly taking you 6 feet under…

21-04-27

the programme I saw last night about Tutankhamon was interesting in so many ways. First of all how he was eradicated from history because of his father, Akenathon. He in a way had to suffer from his fathers sins. Akenathon tried to change the worship of the gods and it did not fall into good earth..and Tutankhamon had to pay for this even though he tried to revive the old traditions. So in Egypt history he was eradicated…like he never excisted. (and also his follower). He tried to do a good thing but suffered from his fathers ”sins”.

What absoloutely caught my attention is their religous worship of RA…the sun. That every night it sets…RA goes into the underworld..and fight enourmous battles to rise again in the morning. People believed that RA went through the underworld to fight these monsters in order to rise again.  In one of the Pharohs graves it is clearly illustrated how these battles against these monsters took place and I think it was at the 6th hour the worst snake appeared and the worst battle occured…

Anyway when Tutankhamuns tomb was discovered in alllll its glories with everything inside…(his tomb was untouched because he was eradicated from ever excisting..so nobody looked for his grave to steal!)

Makes me crazy…there are so many parables….to this story…!!

Tutankhamun being ”forgotten” for thousands of years…and in a way his reputation has been restored..now in modern times. He sure had to wait for a long time to get credit for trying to pay for his fathers ”sins” . (Akenthon tried to implement a monastic God, which was his ”sin”).

Takes so long to get to my point! The background is so neccesary…but important.

Anyway what caught my attention and always do and that is that how the pharaohs always related to death. It seems like from the moment they were born..they prepared for death..look at the pyramids…It is like they say..my life is a passing story…It is in my death my ”life” beginns. They looked at life like a passing through..to get on with the real thing..what we call DEATH! Death was the real thing..life was just a station to get where the real action is. There are many reflections to give these thoughts words.

So Thutankamun when he was buried with allll these things..there was 2 items that kind of shocked the ones the discovered the tomb. 2 ”unborn” enbalmed fetus…2 girls that were buried with Tutankhamun…WHY? This story has so many depths…and I dont know if I can get allllll my thoughts down. Anyway when I went to sleep last night..it was with peace. One  of many things that struck me was that a Pharaoh had  2 souls/spirits…one personel and one kingly/pharaoh, The personel soul went on his way without any problems or responsibilities…but the other one had to go into battle to fight for RA to get through the underworld in order to rise again. So this is why Thutankamun was buried with so many weapons to be able to fight all the demons. But the unborn girls??

In ancient Egypt women was more than just women…they were the protectors..the stronger sex….etc. So bringing these 2 unborn girls…he brought the strongest warriors…so amazing!

And he did not even turn 20…his father died at 35…no one got to be very old in thoose days…that is maybe why they thought of life…as a short passing by…and the real thing was to come…

Sometimes I whish that I could write down everything that is on my mind…but I write these short notes…hopefully to return to elaborate on them and each thought is a either a book or at least a chapter…

21-04-21

i understand when it is time to move on…when my so called old friends…just have time for a coffee…a minute…that is not me…

to me this means….i dont mean anything..or maybe I have become a bother…a tooo much…”my gosh I have to meet him again”” ok just for a coffee…

i asked..can I come to see you…i bring my own chair and sit in the garden…no no…i am tired…asked once…no asked twice…so tired…can we meet for a coffee…this say more of you…than me…

so I have many coffee friends and dont need old friends become coffee friends as well.

21-04-30

is a bloody mess that so so many people admire as an example of the free world and a fighter for the values of democracy. I listened to the documentary of Billie Holliday and her song ”Strange Fruits”…for me it sets the stage what USA democracy stands for. This is both domestic and international! In a way comparable to how the communistic take over the world. The one by subtile takeovers (CIA) and the others by more open direct takeovers military invation.

I want to dig deeper into the background and history of what is Actually the american history!.there aint much glory!!!

In many ways the base and foundation of the USA are not so democratic when one evaluate the word democracy! The ammendment to carry arms!?? What or where in the concept of democracy does this come in??? Carry arms???have the right to shot and kill before asking! THE USA wrote this Into their constitution!!!!!Helllloo! What in the world were they thinking! Democracy? No way! Because when in the world do you equal bearing arms with the right to shot before you ask???and Still call it democracy?? The NRF is the most antidemocratic association in the world! And they have such power!!!!why?? Money! So this the democracy of the USA! Then we have another subject….how the USA ignores democratic elected governments! All over the world! How many coups have the USA orchestrated behind the scenes? Innumerable! So this is the nation that carries the banner of democracy! No No USA is the opposite of communism!capitalism! None of these 2 has nothing to do with democracy!

21-05-05

how do you approach a problem/situation/decision in life…? The outcome of your decison can be determined of which of the above you choose to approach the problem…etc. I have and am still learing how to keep these two approaches apart.. because if I choose the wrong one the outcome can be very wrong. I will try to give some examples… If I go to buy something and I have to make a choice…I dont internalise it and analyse…it is a choice that should not involve my internelising…than I am using the wrong approach….sorry to say tooo many today especially young people internalise these kind of choices and the result..they get confused..messed up and make the wrong decisions…in a way this is one of the problems today…decision making…how do you make a decision. internalisation decisions for me only happen in crisis situation..like when my parents died(not exactly a crisis..it was expected) but i have had some unexpected crisis…that I was not prepared for…this activated my internal emotions/feelings. so I had to deal with them from a different perspective.