Kategoriarkiv: personal reflections

My day to day thoughts!

home…

..thinking a lot about this lately…will I find HOME again…it is a big word and I am not sure if I will find it again…

I thought I found one…but it was literally taken away from me…by force..

I did not ask for it..did not want it…but still it happened..

many things in my life are not always my choice..some things are taken away from me by ”force” not the way I expected it to happen.

I can clearly see the choices I HAVE MADE and the choices I did not make. Some of the things that happened were not a knife in my heart but a knife in my back. Believe me there is a huge difference.

So HOME…i am in a situation where I know that I am not at Home…and I dont know if the choice I made is going to be Home…but I know by far and many thoughts and contemplations…and depression…where I am now is not Home…and I can not feel at home…it is just not me!

So will my choice now take me to Home? I dont no! But what do I have to loose??

I had a plan…a home…a safe place…and it got taken away from me…so is it a defeat..a lost home..an illusiion…that I thought was home…

Because if it was home and felt like home…and I felt safe….still there was a dagger that hit me in the back..

My only explanation …excuse…trying to understand…destiny has other things in store for me

so am I in control of my life? No I am not….and will probably never be…but on the other hand..

IS ANYONE EVER IN CONTROL OF ONES LIFE…IF SO WHY DO WE ALL DIE!!! so maybe it is time for us to learn to loose control…and get on with it!! Prepare for the real thing!

human nature..

is not devolving …it is desolving..desintegrating…making itself distinguished

When I watch programmes about mans history..it scares me what man have done

but then I look at the present…and i am terrified…because we have not learned from the past…because today…at this hour,,,minute,,seconds..we are worse of than ever…

And we are running like we will win…but we are on a loosing path of destruction…

Again another CHANGE…

…this week has been a week of change. I have contacted a real estate agent to sell my apartment and move south! I have also begun to downsize my living by getting rid of many things, either put it out for sale or just throw it away.

The plan is to go to Tenerife in may (have already booked a small flat) . I will be there for 3 weeks to see what I can find. Then in september I will pack the car and leave for the south.

Thoughts? well there are more thoughts than a dog has flees. It is a desicion that involves a million details. The main thing is to downsize because this is not a regular move. It is even more difficult when I moved to the camper. This is a geograhic move with some distance to taken into consideration.

Mentally it is also a big thing and sometimes I think that I am a little crazy. I have made the desicion based upon some certain basic facts. I call it facts because they are not based upon My emotions. 1. I cannot stay in Sweden another Winter. 2. I am not getting any younger, there is not so much time left.3. I cannot definetly stay in Örkelljunga One more year. 4. I am not made to live in the swedish climate. 5. I believe that I can taken care of myself financially (I am looking for jobb in Tenerife).

Thoose were some facts now the emotional part and I can say that socially it has been some of the most devastating years in my life! If it was not for my children there has not been too much of motivation to live. I have been close to depression and if I stay here another winter…I dont know? In the 2 years that I have lived here only One(1) friend toke the time to visit me and he has an open invitation to come and stay for free with me on Tenerife. It is strange but none/nobody of my old friends have not even asked if they could come for a visit. No phonecalls, no messages…well another things that have kept me from thinking….i have never in My life worked more hours now..sometimes more than 200 hours a month!! So not having to think is a good thing for me! But it is sad and it is deep in My heart…. I thought and believed that My Friends were Friends! Maybe I was the bad friend?

In a way this makes it easier to decide and make this desicion. Because do I loose friends? Nope! ! So I rather be in a warm country without friends instead of in dark,grey, cold country without friends! By the way I decided that there is no way having a social life in Örkelljunga unless you are born here. This is the truth!

So I feel and think and believe that My desicion is Good!

the climate

..i dont in any way by this is belittling or trying to make fun or being cynical about the enviromental movement we are experiencing today…and they are so right and have the right attitude about what is happening without questioning….

BUT…the world has gone through some dramatical changes that we can credit to the climate..or…? ice age…extinction of dinousaires..mammouths…T.Rexex…etc… So thoose things happened…or? so when the ice age came to pass..were there some big demonstrations…ICE AGE IS UPON US…or the Dinousours are dying-save the dinousours…..So the world has gone through some monumental enviroremental changes..YES..and we are stlil here..

My point is..the earth can take care of itself and the earth will retiliate with or without our help…we underestimate the power of the earth and its power….the sad thing in the end it will not be the earth that will pay the bill..it will be we humans…that have to pay the price, with many lifes lost.

When it comes down to brass tracs in the enviromental talks…it is not about saving the earth..it is saving humans…and we humans are in deep shit! It is only a matter of time before all hell break loose.

i have come…

…to the conclusion that I am not gonna live forever even if sometimes it feels like this..because somehow we are experts postponing our definite end..the ultimate destination.

So I am trying to make some changes while I still can and coming to my 70th birthday I realise that there might not be so much sand left in the timeglass and there is no refill…it just keeps on pouring through this tiny crack..Somehow it is a good symbolism…it passes from one existence into another still unknown existence. I like it because then life is not lost or just lived in vain…but just goes to another place..universe.

Like I heard today at my work…working with handicaped people(not handicaped to me). this person went up to the clock on the wall and turned it around made it facing the wall instead! We asked Why did you do that? He wisely answered time goes to fast…and it was no need to be faced by it by looking at a clock constantly. Such wisdom. We live by the clock. I dont want to live my last years in this life…BY THE CLOCK!

Anyway back to my contemplation(on of my favourite words) and I am finally getting to a point where I have to get going and get my ass of the wagon(wrote about this a long time ago. http://aste.se/wp-admin/post.php?post=183&action=edit) So I am pretty far in my contemplation about leaving this coming autumn. It is not just a thought but a plan.

i WILL LIVE IN THE HEARTS OF THOOSE I LEAVE BEHIND…SO I DONT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE…

i am so sick and tired…

..when I have a beer and drink and feel good…but I dont feel drunk ….but I feel that my pores/senses are opened and I feel like doing many things…writing…and doing what I am doing right now…have written and said many other things as well tonight…said some words on facebook…listened to songs…Pete Seeger…amazing..I think that these are the songs that I will learn on my ukulele…in a way I am learning to maybe be a street singer…strangely enough this is the only fame I strive for…standing in a corner singing for passersby….I actually have done this..in old town Stockholm…bars in switzerland…many coffe bars in athens and pireus….I loved it…so simple…yet so rewarding….

so what if I go to bed early or late…will i get up in time? in time for what? will i gain weight or loose some…will I notice or anyone else…so should I go to bed…? or can I stay up a few more minutes…hours or days…because then I can sleep..and wake up whenever I want to…’

when is breakfast ,,lunch or dinner…the hour or minute…breakfast is when I wake up..but what hour…the morning…afternoon or night…can breakfast be at night…and lunch at midnight…can everything or anything be at any time or does time decide or do we decide…

When life happens….you can plan but plans can change…suddenly..

The laugh.

… is the most searched for common denominator… In a collection of people… The most sought after when you meet… Is the laugh… It releases so much tension and unites us in a way that few other things do… Because it is pure positive energy 😉 💋

The hard thing is if you try to lighten up the mood with a crack/joke and their is absolutely no response. The air get so thick you can cut it with a knife. I call it the anti-joke response and it is devastating. The worst thing is that the joker tries to force it by explaining or excusing him/herself. The result can be worse and the joker is digging himself deeper into the hole.

Then you can also be in the company where there is a strong leader, a dominating person…so when somebody is cracking a joke they look to the leader if he laughs or make a recognition of the joke…then everybody else can start laughing.

Imagine yourself in room with Trump and trying to crack a joke (and it can be very funny) but everybody will look to Trump so see if he approves of the joke. Just think how it was when you had Hitler and his moods trying to crack a joke! Could cost you your life..especially if the joke was in anyway sarcastic.

Well now we come into what kind of jokes there are. Sarcastic jokes that can be aimed at one person that maybe does not like to be joked at or about. Everybody laughs but you unless you are a person that can take jokes and are a genourous giving person. I think the best jokes are when you joke about yourself and your own shortcomings and mistakes. Instead of attacking other people with jokes about their mistakes and shortcomings.

Much more to say about jokes but as I have experienced it…a joke can be the ice breaker into a good communication.

seconds..

…can sometimes feel like years..when you are waiting for something..pain, anguish, anxiety does not take a break but is there to be felt every second. This is one time you wish that the seconds would turn into years so maybe the pain, anguish, anxiety would be gone..and be in the past. The moment/secónd does not give hope only the hope of another year gone by. So Carpe Diem….can in this context mean Hell!

I have just bought 3 posters that shows the far away universe, Photos taken from the hubble telescope. Amazing photos with colours and forms that just cannot be expressed in words. Many thoughts come to mind and reflections…

Beside my 3 posters is my wall-clock ticking away seconds and my contemplation is…does time exist in this part of the universe? does seconds tick away or is this a too small of measurement where we normally talk in terms of millions of light years. What is a second in the universe? Can anything happen in one second? Or is it in the second everything happens and then become milllllllions of seconds!

I kind of get lost in these 3 posters, 50x50cm, that potrays an infinite universe. They are so small and try to capture something so big that it kind of make me want to take them down, because they dont really resembles the reality. It is like peeking into a keyhole of a door and trying to understand everything on the other side by looking through this tiny keyhole. And you think you got the answer. Such a delusion especially if you think that you know it all. Because everything on the other side of this keyhole is in constant change and the next time you look the picture has changed and you dont know why or what or when…You are just filled with more questions and less answers….and it just happens in a second in the milllion, billlion, trillllion years to come.

Contemplation..

.. many or most people when they come of age ask themselfes many questions like WHY DID I LIVE? (a very sad contemplation 😪), WHAT WAS IT THAT I COULD HAVE DONE AND DIDNT? (many people procrastinate.. and it is too late 😧), and last but not least is one question that I am often asked IF YOU COULD LIVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN WITH WHAT YOU KNOW NOW… IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD CHANGE? 🤔

I have put this question to myself (the other 2questions are simple to answer.. I have fulfilled both 😄). The question if there is anything that I would change requires some thought because either way you answer this question it needs a motivation.

If I dont regret! Why, how come, you mean your life was perfect…!!! And if I say that I regret than they say AHA that is what I thought all the time!

Of course it depends upon who is asking the question. If it is a person that know you from a long time or if it a person you just meet! And a lot of other variables that are too many to be mentioned here. Man-Woman, old-young, background etc.

Gravity..AIR RESISTAnCE..

are 2 things that keep us here on earth..without airresistance no gravity..no gravity No airresistance.

I am looking at my new posters, photos taken from the Hubble telescope, showing what the outer space of the universe look like. Fantastic images/photos taken from the Hubble.

So when contemplating, meditating, thinking….it came to mind that at least these 2 things are missing, airresistance and gravity! Att least this is my theory. So then I continued contemplating….how does things work without these 2 forces/laws of nature that are so essential for our survival?

It got me into thinking and wondering how the universe works without these 2 forces? Are there other laws or are there gravity without airresistance? We also have centrifugal power that keeps us in orbit. But in a way it is the ”pull” from the sun which in a way is a combination of speed and gravity. The Satellites are kept in orbit with these 2 forces, speed and gravity. My theory!

Anyway these photos got me into thinking how does planets work in their interaction with each other. what keeps them from just crashing into each other constantly??

what forces do we need in life to have an existense apart from oxygen(air), water, food…things that are merely physical. For me the inner person need a lot and is more demanding..love, attention, social context, understanding and more… We are so vulnerable and so easy to forget the inner person that can