21-06-01

Vi känner oss själva så lite att hur kan somliga människor säga att de känner mig, när jag ibland är förvirrad av vilken jag är. Om någon sa till mig för 4 år sedan att jag skulle vara där jag är nu ..så fanns det inte ens på kartan.. så vad vet jag om mig själv?? Väldigt lite. Vi går igenom livet utan att egentligen veta vilka vi var..Allt är egentligen en subjektiv uppfattning ..inget annat. Filosofer gör anspråk på livets förklaring,,,varför livet är som det är. Men hur objektivt det än verkar låta och förklaras så är det bara en människas subjectiva perception, tolknig av denna personens syn på världen. Var människa är präglad av sin uppväxt, klass, kultur, språk, klimat, mat, familj etc….Vilket inte kan omvandlas till en objektiv filosofisk sanning. Den som för mig kommit närmast till sanning och verklighet är Jesus och hans ord och liv.

21-05-03

..your message of enviroment and trying to stop it is like trying to stop cancer in its advanced stages…too many metastaser…in the body of humanity…sad to say we will not be healed just prolonged….agony.

There are many reasons…first of all the world is in more disharmony as ever before…and I am talking politically…there is more division today than ever before. So maybe before the world is polluted we have a disastrous war on our hands..and this is will be far more destructive than the enviromental issue…believe me the enviromental issues are just a game to hide the real problems today which are political and the pandemic.

I will write more because there is a lot more to be specified..

 21-11-07

My mental health!!

I feel that I am in a vaccum, limbo, no mans land in my mind. There is not too much that is right…right now! I feel that I am not getting anywhere…a sense of direction, a purpose..

I think the last couple of years since I lost my apartment has been a puzzle to find the pieces again. But you cant build with the old pieces, they are the past and the past is no more. Not only do I have to make the puzzle, I also have to construct the pieces.

It does not make it easier as I dont have my old friends there…the ones that were the shoulder I could cry on or speak my heart and feelings…This is another story that I have touched before…they just became coffee friends…when I needed a meal!

I once was a power cable that felt the power of purpose…but now it is cut. A powercable consits of  lot of small wirening…thin threads of copper intertwined with each other. In a way very similar to our nervous system…so fine and intricate. If there is a cut in this system you feel it. Small cuts are easy to fix,mend,,,but if there is a major cut..it is something else. It just feels that there to many loose ends to mend right now.

Of course there are good things to fall back to, my children and grandchildren, but it is not them that have to carry my burden. They have a great life and are having their ups and downs. I know if I would burden them with my problems, it would hurt them and worry them. So it is better not. I do this out of love for them and also to protect them. Anyway they are the ones that keep me going, even if they dont know it.

Apart from this I have a new girlfriend whom I love very much and sad to say she gets the to hear and read my ups and downs. I treat her sometimes bad, but it is because I miss her and she cannot really fill that void in my heart, mind and soul. She has her family to take care of…the burden of finances and all the everyday care. So in her life I am not the priority and can never be, of obvious reasons. I try to tell her this sometimes and sometimes not so good. The pain of missing her hurts and especially when I know she cannot be there more than now and then. And sometimes there is a language/communication barrier, since my spanish is not that good and her english is not good either. A lot of misunderstanding happens,,,very frustrating, especially for me that rely very much about communication. I feel sad for her…

So mending this powercable, my life, feels sometimes useless and not motivated. It feels like I am on my way to another direction, self extinction/annihilation. Where I dont find a way to fix it, find the motivation to go on…It does not help that I am 70 which kind of also says something. Even though people compliment me for my looks and dont believe that I am 70. But to me it is a fact, that sometimes get at me. I dont feel like it in a way, but it hits me from time to time. I am not  afraid of death(sometimes is scares me), but it so definite that is is out there somewhere and it can be closer than I think. Who can measure life and say it its years, months, weeks, days, hours, seconds…because in one second it is gone, over

So I am trying to find my way in this chaos…and at least mend some small threads to keep the ”power” flowing…but instead of 500volts…it is maybe 20 volts that is working..and I am trying to make it more…it is a long way.. to get this mind, heart, soul and body to work again…

will keep writing here…when I comes and there is more to say.

21.11.07.

All of these above are so essential to a good life. They are existentiella because if we go through life with these words as only words..we cant say that we really have had a good life and thereby we are being deprived of life and what life can do to us and with us.

Sad to say very few in this world today are even near or close to fulfill these words. In my eyes today the world is a miserable place to live – war, oppression from government, famine, poverty and much more. John Lennons song Imagine is summing up what it should be but cant be. That is why the song is called Imagine. John Lennon is one of my favourite musicians because he could say it like it is in his songs.

Anyway something about my own relationship to these words. I must say that I am super priviledged to say ”Yes I can do this..plan, dream, anticipate, hope..etc” And I can make many things come to pass in my life. Many people think it belongs to the billionaires, millionaires to do these things. I am not a millionaire, not even close, but I know that within my means(money) I have, it is possible. My life is a living proof that it is possible. My last choice, decision to move to Tenerife is one of many of my choices in life. Some of these choices and descions are kind of complicated because they just dont happen.

My priviledge is that when I am in a situation that I find most uncomfortable and dont feel good…I say to myself;”Get out, change, do something else”. And here is where my priviledge comes in

I CAN DO IT! I know it is a priviledge because of many factors…health, free country/democracy, fairly sane, some money to make it come through. I actually have a pension now that I can so to say BUDGET my financial life. If in the world today there are 10billion people, I dare to say that maybe 1% of these people are able to do what I did without fear of consequenses. Even people in countries like China, Russia, North Korea, Myanmar, Syria, Afghanistan, SaudiArabia, Belarus….and many more are not as free as I am to make choices, planning even if they are wealthy and influential..They are always watched by oppresive government that in a blink of an eye can take it away.

and as always more to say…always…

..thinking a lot about this lately…will I find HOME again…it is a big word and I am not sure if I will find it again…

I thought Ihad found one…but it was literally taken away from me…by force..

I did not ask for it..did not want it…but still it happened..

many things in my life are not always my choice..some things are taken away from me by ”force” not the way I expected it to happen.

I can clearly see the choices I HAVE MADE and the choices I did not make. Some of the things that happened were not a knife in my heart but a knife in my back. Believe me there is a huge difference.

So HOME…i am in a situation where I know that I am not at Home…and I dont know if the choice I made is going to be Home…but I know by far and many thoughts and contemplations…and depression…where I am now is not Home…and I can not feel at home…it is just not me!

So will my choice now take me to Home? I dont no! But what do I have to loose??

I had a plan…a home…a safe place…and it got taken away from me…so is it a defeat..a lost home..an illusiion…that I thought was home…

Because if it was home and felt like home…and I felt safe….still there was a dagger that hit me in the back..

My only explanation …excuse…trying to understand…destiny has other things in store for me

so am I in control of my life? No I am not….and will probably never be…but on the other hand..

IS ANYONE EVER IN CONTROL OF ONES LIFE…IF SO WHY DO WE ALL DIE!!! so maybe it is time for us to learn to loose control…and get on with it!! Prepare for the real thing!

is not evolving …it is desolving..desintegrating…making itself distinguished

When I watch programmes about mans history..it scares me what man have done

but then I look at the present…and i am terrified…because we have not learned from the past…because today…at this hour,,,minute,,seconds..we are worse of than ever…

And we are running like we will win…but we are on a loosing path of destruction…

…this week has been a week of change. I have contacted a real estate agent to sell my apartment and move south! I have also begun to downsize my living by getting rid of many things, either put it out for sale or just throw it away.

The plan is to go to Tenerife in may (have already booked a small flat) . I will be there for 3 weeks to see what I can find. Then in september I will pack the car and leave for the south.

Thoughts? well there are more thoughts than a dog has flees. It is a desicion that involves a million details. The main thing is to downsize because this is not a regular move. It is even more difficult when I moved to the camper. This is a geograhic move with some distance to taken into consideration.

Mentally it is also a big thing and sometimes I think that I am a little crazy. I have made the desicion based upon some certain basic facts. I call it facts because they are not based upon My emotions. 1. I cannot stay in Sweden another Winter. 2. I am not getting any younger, there is not so much time left.3. I cannot definetly stay in Örkelljunga One more year. 4. I am not made to live in the swedish climate. 5. I believe that I can taken care of myself financially (I am looking for jobb in Tenerife).

Thoose were some facts now the emotional part and I can say that socially it has been some of the most devastating years in my life! If it was not for my children there has not been too much of motivation to live. I have been close to depression and if I stay here another winter…I dont know? In the 2 years that I have lived here only One(1) friend toke the time to visit me and he has an open invitation to come and stay for free with me on Tenerife. It is strange but none/nobody of my old friends have not even asked if they could come for a visit. No phonecalls, no messages…well another things that have kept me from thinking….i have never in My life worked more hours now..sometimes more than 200 hours a month!! So not having to think is a good thing for me! But it is sad and it is deep in My heart…. I thought and believed that My Friends were Friends! Maybe I was the bad friend?

In a way this makes it easier to decide and make this desicion. Because do I loose friends? Nope! ! So I rather be in a warm country without friends instead of in dark,grey, cold country without friends! By the way I decided that there is no way having a social life in Örkelljunga unless you are born here. This is the truth!

So I feel and think and believe that My desicion is Good!

..i dont in any way by this is belittling or trying to make fun or being cynical about the enviromental movement we are experiencing today…and they are so right and have the right attitude about what is happening without questioning….

BUT…the world has gone through some dramatical changes that we can credit to the climate..or…? ice age…extinction of dinousaires.. mammouths…T.Rexex…etc… So thoose things happened…or? so when the ice age came to pass..were there some big demonstrations…ICE AGE IS UPON US…or the Dinousours are dying-save the dinousours…..So the world has gone through some monumental enviroremental changes..YES..and we are stlil here..

My point is..the earth can take care of itself and the earth will retiliate with or without our help…we underestimate the power of the earth and its power….the sad thing in the end it will not be the earth that will pay the bill..it will be we humans…that have to pay the price, with many lifes lost.

When it comes down to brass tracs in the enviromental talks…it is not about saving the earth..it is saving humans…and we humans are in deep shit! It is only a matter of time before all hell break loose.

…to the conclusion that I am not gonna live forever even if sometimes it feels like this..because somehow we are experts postponing our definite end..the ultimate destination.

So I am trying to make some changes while I still can and coming to my 70th birthday I realise that there might not be so much sand left in the timeglass and there is no refill…it just keeps on pouring through this tiny crack..Somehow it is a good symbolism…it passes from one existence into another still unknown existence. I like it because then life is not lost or just lived in vain…but just goes to another place..universe.

Like I heard today at my work…working with handicaped people(not handicaped to me). this person went up to the clock on the wall and turned it around made it facing the wall instead! We asked Why did you do that? He wisely answered time goes to fast…and it was no need to be faced by it by looking at a clock constantly. Such wisdom. We live by the clock. I dont want to live my last years in this life…BY THE CLOCK!

Anyway back to my contemplation(on of my favourite words) and I am finally getting to a point where I have to get going and get my ass of the wagon(wrote about this a long time ago. http://aste.se/wp-admin/post.php?post=183&action=edit) So I am pretty far in my contemplation about leaving this coming autumn. It is not just a thought but a plan.

i WILL LIVE IN THE HEARTS OF THOOSE I LEAVE BEHIND(travis meadows)…SO I DONT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE…

..when I have a beer and drink and feel good…but I dont feel drunk ….but I feel that my pores/senses are opened and I feel like doing many things…writing…and doing what I am doing right now…have written and said many other things as well tonight…said some words on facebook…listened to songs…Pete Seeger…amazing..I think that these are the songs that I will learn on my ukulele…in a way I am learning to maybe be a street singer…strangely enough this is the only fame I strive for…standing in a corner singing for passersby….I actually have done this..in old town Stockholm…bars in switzerland…many coffe bars in athens and pireus….I loved it…so simple…yet so rewarding….

so what if I go to bed early or late…will i get up in time? in time for what? will i gain weight or loose some…will I notice or anyone else…so should I go to bed…? or can I stay up a few more minutes…hours or days…because then I can sleep..and wake up whenever I want to…’

when is breakfast ,,lunch or dinner…the hour or minute…breakfast is when I wake up..but what hour…the morning…afternoon or night…can breakfast be at night…and lunch at midnight…can everything or anything be at any time or does time decide or do we decide…

When life happens….you can plan but plans can change…suddenly..