21-04-12

..is complicated…because control to me is more of securing other peoples lifes..be a lifeline for other people..first of all my children..if they ever were in need..financially or spiritually…and I have involved myself with quite a few other people and organisations…mainly financially. But once you start to support/help/assist…or whatever…you cannot backdown..so I am in control!! but in a way that kind of put me in the back seat..beacause the ones that really control are in the front seat. The only problem is that they cannot ”control” unless I keep sending them the funds to fill up the ”fuel/gasoline”. Hey Torbjörn…I am driving but we are running out of gas…and I say..of course….Fill it up! Have I lacked anything from my backseat view..not a thing, on the contrary! Ihave had more than I could ever think of..but I never thought of accumalting a great wealth…sometimes I wish more wealth..because I spontainously give all the time…but I wish that I could be the Santa Claus in many more peoples lifes….. Anyway right now I can support a few people and organisations…my godchild/since 11years(barefoot foundation).a single mother with a child(not my child)…my fiance(not everything)..my own son…doctors without borders,,,playing for change,,,colombia reports…avaz…and there are always spontaneous donations every month as well. So yes I am in control…but is this another definition of control?

21-04-21

..mainly about my thoughts, ideas, experiences…tonight I got an idea WHY! I am obsessed with the stories about other peoples lifes…their stories. To me another persons story always catch my attention. I was watching a programme on the knowledge channel (sweden) about princetown universtity. This place is known for having the most intellectual people in the world. I did not understand a thing about what they said, but parallell it also potrayed them as human normal beings. One of the most prestigous mathematicians sons became a police and got shot by a crazy person in a park in Texas. Where is the logic or mathematic that something like this would happen? What was so touching was that even math and logic cannot protect you from this. He became a person of flesh and blood. It is not that I look down on these people but sometimes we tend to put them on a piedstal out of reach for us normal deadly people. Another girl that got a credentials and was admitted to study there…had so so big expectations on herself..and it kind of stopped her. Sometimes when we have a goal…we forget to make small goals on the way …we go for the Big goal right away. Then there was this russian born mathemtican that I really felt for a lot. His way of looking at math …it kind of being boxed in and you are trying to fight your way out with all kind of calculations, formals..theories… Instead he took on a shape like stepping out of the box of all this and try to look at it from the outside. He explained it in a way that I could relate to. This is what I am doing now by moving,,,leaving…breaking up. I want to be outside of the box to find new solutions or at least see things from another angle/view. I wrote in the beginning how I am always fascinated with the life stories of other people …and maybe one day somebody will be interested in my story. I dont want to put myself on a piedestal…but if other peoples stories are interesting maybe my lifestory is also intersting. Maybe one day someone want to hear it in the same way I have listened to so many lifestories both in real life…and also documentaries on tv like the one I watched tonight. One more important thing to mention and that is why I am making this move and that is that I need to get out of this situation, place, village because here it is very difficult to get into the social life and hear lifestories. Like I wrote in some thoughts before…this last winter has been one of the most depressing times in my life. I dont want it again. It might not be so social where I am going but at least it will be warm and a nice climate. Well just to top it off..my neighbour comitted suicide last night. He was an older man with mental problems…but still it was a life. I kind of helped the people that came for to visit him…explained how they could get into his flat. So there was quite a commotion in the house with doctors, police, ambulance and finally the undertakers came to take him away. Undertakers…what a name for the last ride. It is definetly not overtakers…they are definetly taking you 6 feet under…

21-04-27

the programme I saw last night about Tutankhamon was interesting in so many ways. First of all how he was eradicated from history because of his father, Akenathon. He in a way had to suffer from his fathers sins. Akenathon tried to change the worship of the gods and it did not fall into good earth..and Tutankhamon had to pay for this even though he tried to revive the old traditions. So in Egypt history he was eradicated…like he never excisted. (and also his follower). He tried to do a good thing but suffered from his fathers ”sins”.

What absoloutely caught my attention is their religous worship of RA…the sun. That every night it sets…RA goes into the underworld..and fight enourmous battles to rise again in the morning. People believed that RA went through the underworld to fight these monsters in order to rise again.  In one of the Pharohs graves it is clearly illustrated how these battles against these monsters took place and I think it was at the 6th hour the worst snake appeared and the worst battle occured…

Anyway when Tutankhamuns tomb was discovered in alllll its glories with everything inside…(his tomb was untouched because he was eradicated from ever excisting..so nobody looked for his grave to steal!)

Makes me crazy…there are so many parables….to this story…!!

Tutankhamun being ”forgotten” for thousands of years…and in a way his reputation has been restored..now in modern times. He sure had to wait for a long time to get credit for trying to pay for his fathers ”sins” . (Akenthon tried to implement a monastic God, which was his ”sin”).

Takes so long to get to my point! The background is so neccesary…but important.

Anyway what caught my attention and always do and that is that how the pharaohs always related to death. It seems like from the moment they were born..they prepared for death..look at the pyramids…It is like they say..my life is a passing story…It is in my death my ”life” beginns. They looked at life like a passing through..to get on with the real thing..what we call DEATH! Death was the real thing..life was just a station to get where the real action is. There are many reflections to give these thoughts words.

So Thutankamun when he was buried with allll these things..there was 2 items that kind of shocked the ones the discovered the tomb. 2 ”unborn” enbalmed fetus…2 girls that were buried with Tutankhamun…WHY? This story has so many depths…and I dont know if I can get allllll my thoughts down. Anyway when I went to sleep last night..it was with peace. One  of many things that struck me was that a Pharaoh had  2 souls/spirits…one personel and one kingly/pharaoh, The personel soul went on his way without any problems or responsibilities…but the other one had to go into battle to fight for RA to get through the underworld in order to rise again. So this is why Thutankamun was buried with so many weapons to be able to fight all the demons. But the unborn girls??

In ancient Egypt women was more than just women…they were the protectors..the stronger sex….etc. So bringing these 2 unborn girls…he brought the strongest warriors…so amazing!

And he did not even turn 20…his father died at 35…no one got to be very old in thoose days…that is maybe why they thought of life…as a short passing by…and the real thing was to come…

Sometimes I whish that I could write down everything that is on my mind…but I write these short notes…hopefully to return to elaborate on them and each thought is a either a book or at least a chapter…

21-04-21

i understand when it is time to move on…when my so called old friends…just have time for a coffee…a minute…that is not me…

to me this means….i dont mean anything..or maybe I have become a bother…a tooo much…”my gosh I have to meet him again”” ok just for a coffee…

i asked..can I come to see you…i bring my own chair and sit in the garden…no no…i am tired…asked once…no asked twice…so tired…can we meet for a coffee…this say more of you…than me…

so I have many coffee friends and dont need old friends become coffee friends as well.

21-04-30

is a bloody mess that so so many people admire as an example of the free world and a fighter for the values of democracy. I listened to the documentary of Billie Holliday and her song ”Strange Fruits”…for me it sets the stage what USA democracy stands for. This is both domestic and international! In a way comparable to how the communistic take over the world. The one by subtile takeovers (CIA) and the others by more open direct takeovers military invation.

I want to dig deeper into the background and history of what is Actually the american history!.there aint much glory!!!

In many ways the base and foundation of the USA are not so democratic when one evaluate the word democracy! The ammendment to carry arms!?? What or where in the concept of democracy does this come in??? Carry arms???have the right to shot and kill before asking! THE USA wrote this Into their constitution!!!!!Helllloo! What in the world were they thinking! Democracy? No way! Because when in the world do you equal bearing arms with the right to shot before you ask???and Still call it democracy?? The NRF is the most antidemocratic association in the world! And they have such power!!!!why?? Money! So this the democracy of the USA! Then we have another subject….how the USA ignores democratic elected governments! All over the world! How many coups have the USA orchestrated behind the scenes? Innumerable! So this is the nation that carries the banner of democracy! No No USA is the opposite of communism!capitalism! None of these 2 has nothing to do with democracy!

21-05-05

how do you approach a problem/situation/decision in life…? The outcome of your decison can be determined of which of the above you choose to approach the problem…etc. I have and am still learing how to keep these two approaches apart.. because if I choose the wrong one the outcome can be very wrong. I will try to give some examples… If I go to buy something and I have to make a choice…I dont internalise it and analyse…it is a choice that should not involve my internelising…than I am using the wrong approach….sorry to say tooo many today especially young people internalise these kind of choices and the result..they get confused..messed up and make the wrong decisions…in a way this is one of the problems today…decision making…how do you make a decision. internalisation decisions for me only happen in crisis situation..like when my parents died(not exactly a crisis..it was expected) but i have had some unexpected crisis…that I was not prepared for…this activated my internal emotions/feelings. so I had to deal with them from a different perspective.

21-05-09

(THIS IS A ROUGH DRAFT WITH LOTS OF MISSPELLINGS AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS..SO IF THIS IS WHAT YOU READ..SORRY FOR YOU! IT IS NOT A FINISHED DOCUMENT AND WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE!) ..there is no ethnic race that stands for so much misery, violence, discrimination, war…etc in the world history. So many pride themselfes in being white…but instead they should be ashamed or at least a little humble because of the history…No european country (just about) can say…”We did not do that!” Great Britain…to begin with…and then England at the core of this empire…how many colonies did they have…(colonies..like some backyard..where there did some of the most outrageous things known to man)…the way they conquered and subdued all of these colonies…from Asia to Africa..This was their playground…and allllll in the name of White! Just a short summary of there history. Spain which really has so much blood on their hands and in a way still has..because the ethincity of most of south and central america is WHITE spanish. Only because for example Simon Bolivar threw out the rulers of spain he failed to throw out the ethnic spainairds that still were left in the country to take over. I ask ”What liberation? from Who?” The racial discrimination in south and central america today…it is like the spainiards never left. When Simon Bolivar declared independence …did the ethinc tribes, people come to power?? This is why South and Central America has the worlds greatest income differences in the world. And it is scary how the differences are growing…the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer…! This is just the tip of the iceberg of many things what the spanish did and still do. Most of South and Central America is still an ethnic spanish colony. Portugal…has a fair share of their white domination in the world..there are many places in Africa ..but the main place is Brazil where the ethnic portugese are still in power. Again the white race. And income differences between the rich and the poor that are on the top of the list in the world. Why?? Because of the white ethnic portugese still in power. (A parenthisis…how do the white race stay in power and have managed for so long to maintain this position…talking about south and central america. A strong army with a focus of white race being generals etc…political world…white race…business…white race….banks…white race…media…white race. A minority of the population are having allll of the major positions. The rest you can figure out..do they let other ethnic groups come to ”play”? No way….”this is the white sandbox…go to your own mudhole and play” I nearly forgot..the US treated s.c. america like their own backyard and have supported the white race for decades…and still do!) France have had Africa like their own backyard and Algeria is the primeexample of this. All in the name of money. I have to dig in deeper to understand all of what France have contributed to the white race shame. Belgium..King Leopold and Congo…how in the world could he get away with what he did? And in a way still do, because the last I heard he is still remembered as King Leopold. How many black people did he put in an early grave..I hope now he is laying there beside them..facing what he did. Germany…the pinnacle of the white race…exterminating 6 million jews and other ethinc groups..in the name of purifying the white race. In a way the world wars were wars between the white races …white people killing white people..which is rare in the big picture of worldhistory.

21-05-14

..in many ways i am sick of how we approach philosphers…nearly like mini gods…practical philospheres…theoretical philosphers…mental philosphers…religious philopsphers…etc.. what defines the word? I am a philosphere…not recognised…not qualified(often it happens after death)…I philosphy a lot…but in definition so far…I am just a thinker.. not elavated to the philosopher level….Makes me wonder …who elavate me…and under what criteria..and who sets thoose criteria? Yes there is a basic criteria…you have studied former recognised and accomplished philosophers…on university…so in short you are not a recognised philospher if you dont study philopsy…and by definition..a philoshere is a protected title!! or??? I am a philosphere…I call myself an existeniel philosphere! I guess it is not new..but this is my philosphy!

21-06-01

is starting in a few months…the 7th decade in my life…there is something sad about it..quite melancholic..because I feel it is a decade where I am in a situation when I am going into a new chapter in my life…maybe even a book. I am again leaving so many things, people, places behind…but this time because of the 7th decade it feels so final. I am not so sure if I will ever see any of these places and people anymore….in a way it is a decade of falling away..passing on…passing away….I will hear of past people that once I been close to…gone on to the next life..

And maybe I will be one of thoose that will me measured out and found wanting…who knows when the reaper passes? Anyway it feels that so much of sorrow, sadness, melacholy…this coming decade.

Having made the descion that I have made now moves me so far away from my past both mentally, physically, geographically…and cuts the ties….but still in the memory it is still there and I will be watching from a far distant…hear the news..know that once I was a part of all that…but is no more..and I cannot bring it back,,,wake it up..revive it..I tried but it did not try me, include me…maybe because I am the one I am. Maybe it was me that was not including.

21-06-01

..i went for a long walk today..in beautiful weather. Walked where I never walked befor..so fantastic. Sat down listened to the birds closed my eyes and drifted away. then i walked into a forest not knowing what was ahead of me…it was sometimes tough and rough..not a beaten path exactly. Up steep hills and beautiful views..down again jumping over small brooks. Not knowing when or where or how I would come back to civilisation again. Yes I did!! Walked through the small community and walked into the only bar that was open..in this early/late afternoon. ordered a cold beer… taste so good. so rewarding..felt the tingling of the alchohol in my brain..my body..my legs..my arms..my toes…everywhere…A sensation. I felt that it was my reward after that looooong excursion.