21-05-09

(THIS IS A ROUGH DRAFT WITH LOTS OF MISSPELLINGS AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS..SO IF THIS IS WHAT YOU READ..SORRY FOR YOU! IT IS NOT A FINISHED DOCUMENT AND WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE!) ..there is no ethnic race that stands for so much misery, violence, discrimination, war…etc in the world history. So many pride themselfes in being white…but instead they should be ashamed or at least a little humble because of the history…No european country (just about) can say…”We did not do that!” Great Britain…to begin with…and then England at the core of this empire…how many colonies did they have…(colonies..like some backyard..where there did some of the most outrageous things known to man)…the way they conquered and subdued all of these colonies…from Asia to Africa..This was their playground…and allllll in the name of White! Just a short summary of there history. Spain which really has so much blood on their hands and in a way still has..because the ethincity of most of south and central america is WHITE spanish. Only because for example Simon Bolivar threw out the rulers of spain he failed to throw out the ethnic spainairds that still were left in the country to take over. I ask ”What liberation? from Who?” The racial discrimination in south and central america today…it is like the spainiards never left. When Simon Bolivar declared independence …did the ethinc tribes, people come to power?? This is why South and Central America has the worlds greatest income differences in the world. And it is scary how the differences are growing…the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer…! This is just the tip of the iceberg of many things what the spanish did and still do. Most of South and Central America is still an ethnic spanish colony. Portugal…has a fair share of their white domination in the world..there are many places in Africa ..but the main place is Brazil where the ethnic portugese are still in power. Again the white race. And income differences between the rich and the poor that are on the top of the list in the world. Why?? Because of the white ethnic portugese still in power. (A parenthisis…how do the white race stay in power and have managed for so long to maintain this position…talking about south and central america. A strong army with a focus of white race being generals etc…political world…white race…business…white race….banks…white race…media…white race. A minority of the population are having allll of the major positions. The rest you can figure out..do they let other ethnic groups come to ”play”? No way….”this is the white sandbox…go to your own mudhole and play” I nearly forgot..the US treated s.c. america like their own backyard and have supported the white race for decades…and still do!) France have had Africa like their own backyard and Algeria is the primeexample of this. All in the name of money. I have to dig in deeper to understand all of what France have contributed to the white race shame. Belgium..King Leopold and Congo…how in the world could he get away with what he did? And in a way still do, because the last I heard he is still remembered as King Leopold. How many black people did he put in an early grave..I hope now he is laying there beside them..facing what he did. Germany…the pinnacle of the white race…exterminating 6 million jews and other ethinc groups..in the name of purifying the white race. In a way the world wars were wars between the white races …white people killing white people..which is rare in the big picture of worldhistory.

21-05-14

..in many ways i am sick of how we approach philosphers…nearly like mini gods…practical philospheres…theoretical philosphers…mental philosphers…religious philopsphers…etc.. what defines the word? I am a philosphere…not recognised…not qualified(often it happens after death)…I philosphy a lot…but in definition so far…I am just a thinker.. not elavated to the philosopher level….Makes me wonder …who elavate me…and under what criteria..and who sets thoose criteria? Yes there is a basic criteria…you have studied former recognised and accomplished philosophers…on university…so in short you are not a recognised philospher if you dont study philopsy…and by definition..a philoshere is a protected title!! or??? I am a philosphere…I call myself an existeniel philosphere! I guess it is not new..but this is my philosphy!

21-06-01

is starting in a few months…the 7th decade in my life…there is something sad about it..quite melancholic..because I feel it is a decade where I am in a situation when I am going into a new chapter in my life…maybe even a book. I am again leaving so many things, people, places behind…but this time because of the 7th decade it feels so final. I am not so sure if I will ever see any of these places and people anymore….in a way it is a decade of falling away..passing on…passing away….I will hear of past people that once I been close to…gone on to the next life..

And maybe I will be one of thoose that will me measured out and found wanting…who knows when the reaper passes? Anyway it feels that so much of sorrow, sadness, melacholy…this coming decade.

Having made the descion that I have made now moves me so far away from my past both mentally, physically, geographically…and cuts the ties….but still in the memory it is still there and I will be watching from a far distant…hear the news..know that once I was a part of all that…but is no more..and I cannot bring it back,,,wake it up..revive it..I tried but it did not try me, include me…maybe because I am the one I am. Maybe it was me that was not including.

21-06-01

..i went for a long walk today..in beautiful weather. Walked where I never walked befor..so fantastic. Sat down listened to the birds closed my eyes and drifted away. then i walked into a forest not knowing what was ahead of me…it was sometimes tough and rough..not a beaten path exactly. Up steep hills and beautiful views..down again jumping over small brooks. Not knowing when or where or how I would come back to civilisation again. Yes I did!! Walked through the small community and walked into the only bar that was open..in this early/late afternoon. ordered a cold beer… taste so good. so rewarding..felt the tingling of the alchohol in my brain..my body..my legs..my arms..my toes…everywhere…A sensation. I felt that it was my reward after that looooong excursion.

21-06-01

Vi känner oss själva så lite att hur kan somliga människor säga att de känner mig, när jag ibland är förvirrad av vilken jag är. Om någon sa till mig för 4 år sedan att jag skulle vara där jag är nu ..så fanns det inte ens på kartan.. så vad vet jag om mig själv?? Väldigt lite. Vi går igenom livet utan att egentligen veta vilka vi var..Allt är egentligen en subjektiv uppfattning ..inget annat. Filosofer gör anspråk på livets förklaring,,,varför livet är som det är. Men hur objektivt det än verkar låta och förklaras så är det bara en människas subjectiva perception, tolknig av denna personens syn på världen. Var människa är präglad av sin uppväxt, klass, kultur, språk, klimat, mat, familj etc….Vilket inte kan omvandlas till en objektiv filosofisk sanning. Den som för mig kommit närmast till sanning och verklighet är Jesus och hans ord och liv.

21-05-03

..your message of enviroment and trying to stop it is like trying to stop cancer in its advanced stages…too many metastaser…in the body of humanity…sad to say we will not be healed just prolonged….agony.

There are many reasons…first of all the world is in more disharmony as ever before…and I am talking politically…there is more division today than ever before. So maybe before the world is polluted we have a disastrous war on our hands..and this is will be far more destructive than the enviromental issue…believe me the enviromental issues are just a game to hide the real problems today which are political and the pandemic.

I will write more because there is a lot more to be specified..

 21-11-07

My mental health!!

I feel that I am in a vaccum, limbo, no mans land in my mind. There is not too much that is right…right now! I feel that I am not getting anywhere…a sense of direction, a purpose..

I think the last couple of years since I lost my apartment has been a puzzle to find the pieces again. But you cant build with the old pieces, they are the past and the past is no more. Not only do I have to make the puzzle, I also have to construct the pieces.

It does not make it easier as I dont have my old friends there…the ones that were the shoulder I could cry on or speak my heart and feelings…This is another story that I have touched before…they just became coffee friends…when I needed a meal!

I once was a power cable that felt the power of purpose…but now it is cut. A powercable consits of  lot of small wirening…thin threads of copper intertwined with each other. In a way very similar to our nervous system…so fine and intricate. If there is a cut in this system you feel it. Small cuts are easy to fix,mend,,,but if there is a major cut..it is something else. It just feels that there to many loose ends to mend right now.

Of course there are good things to fall back to, my children and grandchildren, but it is not them that have to carry my burden. They have a great life and are having their ups and downs. I know if I would burden them with my problems, it would hurt them and worry them. So it is better not. I do this out of love for them and also to protect them. Anyway they are the ones that keep me going, even if they dont know it.

Apart from this I have a new girlfriend whom I love very much and sad to say she gets the to hear and read my ups and downs. I treat her sometimes bad, but it is because I miss her and she cannot really fill that void in my heart, mind and soul. She has her family to take care of…the burden of finances and all the everyday care. So in her life I am not the priority and can never be, of obvious reasons. I try to tell her this sometimes and sometimes not so good. The pain of missing her hurts and especially when I know she cannot be there more than now and then. And sometimes there is a language/communication barrier, since my spanish is not that good and her english is not good either. A lot of misunderstanding happens,,,very frustrating, especially for me that rely very much about communication. I feel sad for her…

So mending this powercable, my life, feels sometimes useless and not motivated. It feels like I am on my way to another direction, self extinction/annihilation. Where I dont find a way to fix it, find the motivation to go on…It does not help that I am 70 which kind of also says something. Even though people compliment me for my looks and dont believe that I am 70. But to me it is a fact, that sometimes get at me. I dont feel like it in a way, but it hits me from time to time. I am not  afraid of death(sometimes is scares me), but it so definite that is is out there somewhere and it can be closer than I think. Who can measure life and say it its years, months, weeks, days, hours, seconds…because in one second it is gone, over

So I am trying to find my way in this chaos…and at least mend some small threads to keep the ”power” flowing…but instead of 500volts…it is maybe 20 volts that is working..and I am trying to make it more…it is a long way.. to get this mind, heart, soul and body to work again…

will keep writing here…when I comes and there is more to say.

21.11.07.

All of these above are so essential to a good life. They are existentiella because if we go through life with these words as only words..we cant say that we really have had a good life and thereby we are being deprived of life and what life can do to us and with us.

Sad to say very few in this world today are even near or close to fulfill these words. In my eyes today the world is a miserable place to live – war, oppression from government, famine, poverty and much more. John Lennons song Imagine is summing up what it should be but cant be. That is why the song is called Imagine. John Lennon is one of my favourite musicians because he could say it like it is in his songs.

Anyway something about my own relationship to these words. I must say that I am super priviledged to say ”Yes I can do this..plan, dream, anticipate, hope..etc” And I can make many things come to pass in my life. Many people think it belongs to the billionaires, millionaires to do these things. I am not a millionaire, not even close, but I know that within my means(money) I have, it is possible. My life is a living proof that it is possible. My last choice, decision to move to Tenerife is one of many of my choices in life. Some of these choices and descions are kind of complicated because they just dont happen.

My priviledge is that when I am in a situation that I find most uncomfortable and dont feel good…I say to myself;”Get out, change, do something else”. And here is where my priviledge comes in

I CAN DO IT! I know it is a priviledge because of many factors…health, free country/democracy, fairly sane, some money to make it come through. I actually have a pension now that I can so to say BUDGET my financial life. If in the world today there are 10billion people, I dare to say that maybe 1% of these people are able to do what I did without fear of consequenses. Even people in countries like China, Russia, North Korea, Myanmar, Syria, Afghanistan, SaudiArabia, Belarus….and many more are not as free as I am to make choices, planning even if they are wealthy and influential..They are always watched by oppresive government that in a blink of an eye can take it away.

and as always more to say…always…