Kategoriarkiv: personal reflections

My day to day thoughts!

having the ass glued to the wagon…

……that drives you around in life without you having a clue or idea or maybe you dont care who is in control!

We can go through life and steal it and then look back and regret life! Wishing we had done things differently..when we  knew all the time that we we were just living a substitute life while life, the life we should have lived, passed us by. Sure we see other people that succed in changing their lifes but how and why? There are certain events in our lifes the makes us more inclined to change, when we not only talk about change!

Catastrophe..out of the ashes of the old comes the new…but in the moment it happens it is chaos

Grief..when someone close to you, someone you love passes away..same here..out of the black mourning slowly the rainbow will come

Economical crisis…unemployment, accident etc…here is our charachter truly tested and make change possible

Illness…to realise that I will never be well again!

But let me go back/reverse a little..this thing how we see ourselfes and others..we and them! We all (i presume this!) have in our acquaintance someone that have gone through some kind of change, crisis, chaos etc. How did this happen? Ask them how they cooped with it and how they dealt and came through it. What thoughts did they have when in crisis, what decisions did they make, what did they decide to change and WHY?

Why I am so obsessed with this subject is because I meet people both in my work, social life and when I travel that are not satisfied/happy about their lifes and present situation. WHY? Why dont they do something about it? I view them as being ”thiefes of life” ..and go through life without grab a hold of life! They are just using/abusing life and then when it is over and they die/pass on, they die as one big questionmark…

A story told from the French Legion that were stationed in North Africa made me wake up a little. Many young men joined this anonymous army to find excitement or escape from the western lifestyle. A soldier retold this story that when one of his comrades got shot and fataly wounded in a battle..he got to see him die in his arms and was the last person to see him alive..he looked deep into the dying soldiers eyes and saw something that woke him up and gave him a different look on life and made him take a hold of his own life. What he saw was not the fear of dying or the pain of the wound or sadness but it was just an empty gaze starring with one big question ”Why did I ever live?”

This is what scares me ….and keep me alive and living!

Not to complicate things and make myself to a depressed loner that lives like a hermit, hiding in the woods from everything and everybody..No that is not me! And not trying to live an ascetical monk life as that should be the answer, compensation for happiness. Maybe for someone else but not for me!

This is the core, the essence to it all ”What do I want from life?” Not just talk about it and wait for things to happen….what do I do, so my ass does not get glued to the wagon so somebody else drive me around and I cant get away…does it take a lifecrisis..a chaos…a chatastrophe?

My small philosophy as a young 64 year old is how to learn to appreciate my age and not looking back or yearn  for times gone by (I get a little nostaglic sometime, I am still human!), but I have found a way to say YES to my age, my sunset! Before 40 it is sunrise, pretty boring and not so colourful as a sunset! The sunset with all its colours is where you take all these experiences and start living with them and make use of them. Experience is a treasure not a luggage to be put away, it should take you to new levels, new destinations, new experiences! In short, LIVING!

The definition of who I am is more clear today then when I was a confused not yet 40 year old!

 

 

 

Lessons ”maybe” learned from reading books..

Goethe wrote in his biography after he decided to break with his old life; ” Who knows where I am going? It is with great difficulty I try to understand where I come/came from!”

Rousseau wrote this to help people understand his complex/dual/rebel personlity; ”…there are moments when I feel and act so different that people can easily confuse me with someone else that has an entirely different personality!”

Nietche suggested/wrote that the common/average man/woman are ”..angry spectators of their own past!”

Salman Rushdie states/proposes/suggests that ”the modern/contemporary I/me/myself is a weak construction that we build from small pieces/experiences of this and that; dogmas, injustices experienced from childhood, newspaper articles, random commentaries from people, movies seen, insignificant victories, people you hated, people you loved!”

Z. Bauman and M. Taylor writes that ”the psyche is always/constantly in an unbroken/uninterupted voyage/journey to being…a never completed/finished I-identity!”

Societal economics today is to be compared/likened to a ”plasticity” I(me) a collage of fractured pieces in a constant being/motion/in-the-making, always having to be open for new experiences/challenges/impressions – this is the ideal psychological condition in comparision to shortsighted work/employment experiences; a constant risktaking ”plasticity”!

And there is not enough time/space for a deeper understanding/comprehension/cohersion/reflection when ones lifes work/efforts are smashed to pieces in just a moment, because in the big picture of life it is just one mosaic piece, a sandcorn on the beach of time/eternity, yet it hurts like hell and this is not how you see the situation when you are in it, living it. But todays society does not give you time to heal/reflect, but tells you to get with it, get over it and move on! There is also no time for analysing the seriousness and the painful consequence in failing, because it is just another episode/chapter among all the other episodes in life!

No time for reflection! And no time for living!

People passing in review!

When I reflect and think about all the people that have passed in my life. How they have affected me, touched me and impressed me in my life and as a person, it makes me feel like trying to count the corns of sand on a beach or the stars in the sky. Stars might be a better resemblence/metaphor since the stars are different in intensity, their brightness how they shine. But still positive as they all are equal in some way to us here on earth. They are radiating light regardless of how bright the light is.

And this is how I want to describe/evaluate/define to myself all the people that I have meet in my life, to keep a positive view in my way of giving them a grade from lets say 1 to 5. Where the 5 is the highest score and thereby the person that have affected me the most and 1 the least. But this does not grade them as they are as a person only what they have meant in the meeting with me. They are still a star! Not a black hole! This is why some other people will give them a 5 wheras to me they only are a 1. And vice versa!

I feel that you even learn positive things from negative meetings. But the basic idea is to keep the review of the people you have meet positive! Sometimes the meeting is very short but still very meaningful and kind of sticks to the cortex of your brain like superglew. Then on the contrary there are some acquaintances that  can go on for years on end and be completly meaningless, no depth and most of all they are not progressive/developing! The story is only repeting itself every time you meet. Lately I have more or less terminated  some of these acquaintances belonging to this category. Not because of enmity, hostility or any other negative cause or reason, but just that the friendship felt pointless, not only for me but I believe also for them.

What is important is that it has nothing to do with making the other person an enemy, less worth or defaming him or her. The wrong is as much mine as well, chemistry between people does not always work or last. I, for example, have a difficulty with people that I feel have stagnated in their development especially mentally/intellectually. They have become like a gramophone record that got stuck in a groove and repeat the same thing over and over again. A metaphor is that instead of changing the record people buy new stereo equipment thinking that this will cure the problem! Like so many people today believe that the cure to their problems is materialistic and that a new thing/gadget will fix/cure it!. We dont dare to change the ”record” ourselves, develop/challenge/change ourselves but prefer to continue in the same old groove making it deeper and deeper.

There is a story to illustrate this. There was an eagle that was tied to a stick so all it could do was to walk around and around, day out and day in! It was a specatacle because people came to watch this eagle. It went on year after year when one day the owner thought to cut the chain and give the eagle the freedom. Just so eagle could live the last days of his life in freedom. So he cut the chain and threw up the bird in the air and what happened? The bird flew straight back to the groove it had made through the years and continued the only thing he knew! To walk around the groove but now without the chain until he died!

You can say he died at 30 and was buried at 70! Is that you?

(written 061205)

Anticipation-The new Now!

When I am travelling like I am now (right over the Atlantic,10600m above) my ”now” is not here but more in my anticipation of a ”now”! I am waiting for ”now” to happen. Why? My thoughts are maybe not here altogether now but they are already in the meeting, the anticipation/what I think to expect/is the now! This is why now is so hard, because now seems so dull, boring and is just a necessary evil to get you to the next destination/anticipation.

We always talk about living ”NOW”, but now seems ot consisting of making plans building up new anticipations/now´s! We have such a difficulty being in a now, especially when we meet friends, coworkers, family etc. What do we tell them? Our plans! Anticipations! Of course we tell stories about our lived anticipations as well. Why? To provoke them, make them jeolous? I dont think this is our intention all the time but many times. But in doing this we also challenge the other person with what she/he has for plans/anticipations.

Because this has become the new thing, THE NEW NOW, what is going to happen. If you dont have anything to come up with, you are a looser or they feel sorry for you! Because without Anticipation, the new Now, you cannot be happy!!

(wrote 18june2013 on my way to meet Pilar in Colombia!)

The repetitive life!

Repetition, routine, traditions….

How many things recur all the time in ones life, for good or bad, without us even thinking/reflecting about it. The older you get the more things tend to recur more often like you are in a circle rather than in a spiral motion/movement. For me what is important is to keep the ”circle” open to keep it from closing and thereby be in a complete repetative motion where nothing new is added. It can seem like a comfortzone, securtity to let the spiral close itself and in this way we stop adding things to our life.

I have seen some frightening examples of this, especially people who have been very active and progressive in life and then suddenly illness affect them. They loose control and in this way involuntary are forced into a circular life.  I took care of my sick parents for several years and tried as much as possible to be the person that injected some inspiration to their otherwise circular life. But back to the thought of how tempting circular life can be especially the older you get and letting the circle close. It is a challenge to keep the ”circle” open and let it be a ”spiral”! Of course there is a positive and a negative spiral also! And if you are in a negative spiral maybe it is better to close the circle until you can find a way to break the negativeness!

Many thoughts on this subject…but it is a metaphor and if you read this! Make it your metaphor!

mosaic of life..

we all are trying to create a sense of context/coherency in life…from the moment we are born, the mosaic beginns…..until the day we pass away! The journey is called life and all that it involves. When you stand there at the end of the road or at least have passed the major part of life…What is the conclusion? Is your story/life coherent? Is you mosaic understandable? Does it really tell the story like you want it to be? or is your mosaic a incoherent pattern where you cant see a clear picture but just a confusion of pieces thrown togehter.

Maybe that is ok with you but I always try to find the context and a coherency in my life,…to give it meaning and a purpose! And also to set the (even though I belong to the flop/old side/age/) goals for tomorrow. I believe purpose is an essential part of life….a sense of purpose/meaning! And this is regardless of nationality, etnicity, race, religion, finances….etc.