melancholy…

or is it sadness….what is it that causes/induces this feeling? It comes to me like a mist, like a shadow that narrows, that can become very intense like a sunset with many colours! It is not depression or sorrow like after a loved one has died.  Melacholy in the right portion is a beautiful feeling that helps me keep the right perspective and view on life. I need it for reflection, thoughtfulness/mindfulness to give me a meaning and a reason in all of this confusion. Mostly the confusion that is in my own head. To collect my thoughts and find a reason, a meaning and conclusion to them all! The older I get and the more I learn it just shows me over and over again that for every thing I learn 100 new things open yet to be learned or experienced. Sometimes I feel that learning/knowing can be painful! Because I feel smaller for each knowledge I aquire, realising I really dont know very much. Like the story about the little boy playing on the beach with his bucket and shovel. He scooped the ocean water into the bucket and with joy he ran to his mother and exclaimed with excitement ”Look mummy, I have fit the ocean in my bucket!” This is sometimes how I feel when I learn a new thing but also with one eye on reality, what is still left to learn!

subtile/deceptive…

what I have learned from a very hard lesson is that the most obvious most sure…what you were absolute sure, that you could trust….stabbed you in the back! we knew each other for over 40 years back,,,shared a lot of secrets…passions…stories… everything…and I thought loyalty was worth more than anything….we drank whisky, beer and..we travelled …saw new things together…shared thoughts that I believed were sacred sealed by friendship….learned that humility was a virtue not a value that needed to be earned…and this friendship stabbed me in the back…accussing me of all thoose ”secrets” turned into ”truths” meaning that I had to defend my self against a long time friendship trust……How do you defend yourself when you are stabbed in the back by trust?!

aaron swarts…

another name I need to remember and remind me of the price of being an idelist. As I was watching the programme about him it grew on me. So sad when justice/the law becomes injustice/inhuman! Another significant curiosa is that he was born 1986 and died 2013 so in a way he joined the 27 club! (even though he was not yet 27, but was in that year!)

The legacy of his work lives on!

are we the same/ are we different?

we listen and like the same music…we go to the same shop to buy food….we wear the same clothes….we like animals…live in the same country…yes sometimes even in the same city….and sometimes neighbours…. love the opposite sex….travel is important…same compassion for people….but we hate each other!

sometimes the mans/womans psyche is so contradictory! make no sense…

reality…

Does reality exist? To me it is more and more becoming an abstract word that means less and less! Define reality is subjective to me. I dont hold the explanation/definition to this word. I have only one in a billion definition. If I would claim that mine is the most objective, correct, best analysis etc, I could not be more wrong. So so many people today claim to be the one who knows. So whos reality is right, the poor beggar on the street trying to make a living but also trying to find reality and find a reason/meaning to his/her life..or is it the rich man flying around in his exclusive jet, drinking choice whisky, wearing  expensive watches and more and more. Or is it I the ordinary middle class person that have a comfortable life but is not poor and not wealthy rich? Or is it the IS fighting and killing people in the middle east or the munks fasting and shaving their heads not allowing themselfes any material possesions….or is it the dictators of saudi arabia with such wealth that they could eradicate poverty on the earth.

One stupid theory that they predicted was going to be reality was that let the richest become richer and they will through their increased wealth let some of their riches trickle down to the poor and thereby eradicate poverty. This reality experiment did not happen but what happened is that that the richer became richer!

So the conclusion is that there are 3 realties, we are born, we live and we die! regardless of nationality, wealth/poverty, continent, culture, religion….and more!

some thoughts..

Sadly to say the success of my life and achivements will only show at who is present at my funeral…so in a way I hope not too die toooooo old…because then most of them will have beat me to the goal…and I would feel very alone there in my coffin…
I am kind of a fan of funerals….because it is the only ceremony you can attend uninvinted and feel welcome….birth, wedding, birthdays…etc…all by invitations…but a funeral  is open for all, even enemies can sit in the same room….And you are the guest of honour…lying in your coffin…not even the lid open to peek to see who came…boring….

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God forbid that I will be buried and remembered for my money (not so much anyway!ha)…my goods…my riches….let me buried for my passion…my life….my giving and most of all my children and my grandchildren….Being myself..more than trying to be somebody else….

verisimilitude..

is a word that fascinated me from the first time I heard it. The word has so many meanings to me, for example, ”like the truth”, ”instead of the truth”, ”looks like the truth”, ”the quality of seeming to be true”. It is so close to the truth but still not the truth. Today we are so clever and we use this way of communication very much in our every day life. We dont lie to people but on the other hand we dont tell them the whole truth many times or the full story. We keep some parts of the story to ourselfes and thereby making it look like the truth, verisimilitude! It is not a lie but it is also not the truth!

It is so common today that we dont react to it and we should. The problem is when we in our turn tell the story to the next person with our version….where does it end up then? It is not even close to the truth and not even verisimilitude anymore!

Also most of us dont do it out of malice/evil but just because we dont have time to tell the whole story and more important we feel that the person we are talking to is stressed and dont have time and maybe not even is interested. There are so so many pitfalls that often leads to misunderstanding and a thereby verisimilitude!

loyalty…

has many angles/aspects depending on many factors and can therefore sometimes be interpreted wrong and also misunderstood! There are or is some loyalities that are more strong and almost impossible to retract! The loyalty that you have within your own family. Even though many times this loyalty can be very strained and going through difficult times with a lot of tension, hard words, often there is still a sense of/kind of loyalty that counts in the end. The loyalty that you have towards your children is unquestionable and maybe the strongest loyalty whereas  children not all the time feel the same kind of loyalty towards the parents, not when they are growing up at least! The loyalty between friends can also be strong but there are certain degrees of loyalty in friendship that can change very rapidly. In loyalty between friends you expect it to be on equal terms, like you expect the same back as you give and vice versa. If this balance is disturbed by something, the quality of the loyalty can be affected and if it happens often it should affect the loyalty. Friendship loyalty is not a one way street but very much a two way street!

I have had kind of a crisis in my own life now where I thought that old friendship meant unquestionable loyalty. This is anyway my way of looking at it and I have lived strongly by this value! But lately I have experienced that maybe there was an imbalance and the interest of me and loyalty towards me, I had misjudged it and saw it in one specific situation that kind of opened my eyes and made me very sad and disappointed. And also a little angry. So this is where I have revalued or evaluted my loyalty and lets say on a scale from 1 to 10 where 10 is good and 1 is bad, so have this loyalty dropped from a clear 9 to a 4! I dont look for their approval and dont feel so happy now when I meet them. I dont look for meetings any more and other things. It make me sad, because I looked for this loyalty. I feel that loyalty is a kind of love and is included in love. I am strong social person that value loyalty more than money and material things. You cannot compare these two things.

So you can maybe say that I have or had high expectations of myself and thought of myself as something special! Yes maybe you are right, but I also felt that the loyalty I gave did not come back! So I apologise for having to high expectiations of these friends. But this does not mean we are enemies, far from!! But my feelings are not just the same anymore. It can be repaired but it can be difficult.

accumulation..

…an increase by natural growth or addition!

I like this definition ”natural growth or addition”! Life is a natural growth where things/experiences etc are added all the time. And I like the definition ”added” not subtracted! Which means that life is positive and you are always adding to your life, of course for good or bad. Often we marvel over people that have gone through terrible things and they still see it as an addition to their life and not a subtraction. Sometimes it takes some time before we see the addition but the attitude is that there is a ”light at the end of every tunnel”!

Another thought I had about accumulation is that most people see it as a race to have as much material things and money in the bank and then you die happy! My idea of accumulation is to look at life as a journey with temporary stopovers/stations and then move on until the final destination. My accumulation are the experiences I had in life, first of all my fantastic children and my grandchildren, friends, living in other countries, learning new languages and cultures, having good health, having had fantastic relationships with beautiful women (and still have!) and not so much the things I have which are not so much. Things/money are tools to get us somewhere and not a goal! Somehow I have survived with very little money/things and intend to let it be that way!