Impostor..

… what is an impostor.. or who is an impostor?

I had a misconception of this word and in a way have seen it only in a negative context. It is not always really like this but can also be a negative perception of how one see oneself.

We can all be confused about our own personality, identity, charachter in short WHO AM I? We are all impostors in one way or other.

If I dont have or can give a clear answer to this, than in a sense I AM AN IMPOSTER. Not because I am an evil person or premeditate being someone else, it is only because I dont know who I really am. Thereby I fulfill the meaning of being an imposter right now, because for the moment I really dont know who I am… but I am on the road, path to get there. I hope I will get there before the grim reaper gets me.

Being an impostor to its extreme exctenct could be called a sociopat or psychopat. A disease/sickness and at that a very dangerous one.

But there are many everyday impostor happenings…You go to work and impostor one person/quality of yourself….You come home and you are the impostor family father/mother if you have a family and are living with someone….You go to the pub and meet with your friends..impostor under the influence of alcohool….You come to another country/culture/language and you become a tourist impostor…

All this above are the natural everyday impostor, a reality for all of us. The most important question in your impostor life is if you are truly satisfied/happy/content/confident or just do it without knowing why or even asking yourself WHY I AM DOING ALL THIS? FOR WHO? FOR MYSELF? these are questions you must ask yourself one day! The sooner the better, but dont be surprised if the answer you get is a question right back at you…I DONT KNOW!

I am at crossroads with my own impostors…who I am and/or what will it become of me? My past impostors have put me here…writing this..quite alone again…wondering what will come next!

One thing is for sure…I CANNOT STAY HERE! This is my firm conclusion. I am not happy or content in this impostor role…for many reasons. I am contemplating a lot about my past and why/what brought me here to this point in my life. One thing is how I make descions and decide to act upon them. I have quite an emotional personality that is kind of the truest impostor/role/charachter in my life and makes me do the things I do. To many people (so I believe) I probably look like a little crazy or of-the-hook personality. Not schizofren(far from it) but very sensitive and have probably(for sure) become even more sensitive throughout my aging years. When you grow old you are supposed to know more…but I seem to know less. Like the saying is ”the more you know and learn, the more you know how little or nothing you actually know”! So my knowledge is…I dont know very much at all!

I despice…

people with faucets of gold…what if there came no water?

people with 15 bedrooms….do they sleep better? do they have any dreams

people with 20 cars….do they have a better life? does it make them a better driver

people who complain that their beef was raw…..do they know how to eat beans? or enjoy the glas of fresh water

people who buy 500dollar shoes…do they know how to go barefoot on hot ground? do they know how to feel the grass under their feet?

people who have 100.000 dollar watches – do they know better how to tell time? do they know better to evaluate time?

The candles went out….

…as we listened to the blonde on blonde….like we were in a church in a place of worship…the room was dark…the smoke was thick…the spirits were high…we played it over and over…like a mantra…that we wished never ended…did it?

I dont think so…because I am still there…when the oxygen was so low that the candles went out….we breathed another air…another life came that never left…still is here….like a story that still is being written…the book is not closed….yet!

Latinamerica…

…when I think about latinamerica (and in some ways northamerica) and centralamerica…they are still colonised by original spanish population. The so called liberation with Simon Bolivar as the great liberator. In my world ”liberation from what?”. Because when Simon Bolivar made his revolution against the spanish he forgot one thing. He did not throw out the colonisator…the ethnic spanish population.

In Africa when the colonisation ceased the power was returned to the original population for good and for bad. But that is what happened. There were some examples in Africa that took some time before it happened like South africa and Zimbabwe(former Rhodesia) and maybe a few more but it happened anyway. That is another story!

Anyway in every country in South America and Central America it is still the colonizer that is in power, both economically and political and in some ways cultural. I have Colombia as an example…the discrimination in this country is so extreme and it was in this country the ”revoution” with Simon Bolivar started. As a curiosa it was in this part of SouthAmerica that the first colonial city was founded, Santa Marta, by Rodrigo de Bastidas. So the colonisation and the looting of South America had begun…

The original population that consisted of many different people, cultures, languages etc. But what many had and a lot of…was gold and other precious minerals. The gold became the cause of one of the most terrible genocide and looting in the world history.

the 4 elements..are they 5….

i have meditated about the 4 elements, will return to the 5th later, and their different status.

3 of them are self excisting..but one, fire, does not come so naturally like the other 3, earth, wind, water, are so to say selfexcisting wheras fire has a need of at least one of the other element, fire. in some ways fire also need earth for a place to excist,,,and funny enough,,,fire has a mortal eneymy, water!

So I make my thesis…how fire became and is considered among the elements being so elusive and not so to say selfexcisting! I will try to delve into this when time gives me room…and strenght. I am just merely planting an idea here so I have something to come back to later and develope.

the 5th element…philophers stone…that can turn led into gold!! in my world it is how you turn an idea into (not gold) reality…

and more more….

trump…

..i promise that one day I will sit down and listen to a devoted supporter of this man to try to understand how one can understand and support this man….i will listen to my ears bleed…my eyes are dim..my voice is numb and maybe my heart stop..and my mind explode…and I die…

because I cant in my wildest fantasy/imagination see him as the worlds saviour….if you look at movies when mussolini made speeches..

notice the body language and the facial epressions!

the trump supporter that does not see the resemblance…i dont know..

a psychopat…always a psychopat!

Friends…

…can be of many kind…I think that I have written about this before but I just thought about it today and maybe why I am the way I am..

so friends….

close friends are right now very few if any in my life right now..because of the way I define a close friend…it is a person that I can rely on and say what is on my heart…ventilate my thoughts…feelings…ideas…problems… yes everything without thinking it would fire back at me (like non close friend did)….the worst kind of hurt …close to betrayal..

some of my close friends have become friends..and how do you go from close friend to just friend..well it is easy…distance..no heartful conversations…just coffee talk…a brief meeting..and no more. When i ask for more..they are tired or dont have time….so i distance myself…dont want to bother or be in the way…and so they go from close friends to just friend…this is ok also..because we are not enemies. But still it is a separation.

I always seem to ask for more and sometimes too much maybe…but i also ask much of myself…I try to look forward to new things…and not look at only the old things to find new things…but new horizons…

i will be buried at the horizon and not in a past memory…

lord knows how i became this kind of person…because i dont know…still trying to figure it out! peace of mind…is my hope and belief…but how, when and where?

and friends…keep contact…especially close friends…even when you dont feel like it…i tried…but i guess i was tooo much…

i have become the ”friend” that when people see my coming down the street they turn right or left to not meet me…i have become a paraia!