Death pilot…

These words came to me because I feel society lacks this kind of knowledge/guidance. How do you guide/pilot/help someone into death…passing away…going to the other side..etc. How do we pass on(I personally like this expression) to the ”other” side, if there even is another side or if it just is a dark nothing with 6feet of dirt above!

Regardless for most people it is a painful- and anguish- filled thought and moment that most of us are very ill prepared for. Thats why maybe a Death Pilot can be a Comfort, a guide, a consoler when the time comes and you know that you have, so to say, come to deads-end!

My funeral…

..even though I am a confessing christian does not mean that I am not open to other religions and their traditions.

my dear Little baby squirrel.

Having just ”buried” my little squirrel that lived (and died) on my balcony, I wanted to give him/her a proper burial. A little ceremony to honor this little creature that spent very few days in this life. It is/was a therapy for me as well because I had really come to like this baby squirrel. The first choice (according to our culture, religion etc) is to dig a whole and put the remains there. But another idea came up and I liked it better. Mainly because I did not have a spade/shovel to dig a hole with. Why not do like the buddhist and burn it on the water. I already had a box/coffin, which fit this little fellow perfectly. It was a box made of balsa wood that normally have a wine bottle inside.

So of I went with the box, some rags, fuel and candles. It was a beautiful spring day (may), sun shining and really good temperature. I went to a lake close by and found a spot where I was alone. I did some ceremony and put the candles on the box…filled the box with rags and lots of fuel. First I lit the candles and then I put fire to the box/rags. It lit up quite a bit and I pushed it out on the lake. It went out a few meters and stopped there. The flames were quite high and burned very good. It gave me a good feeling that I gave this little creature a funeral that was a ceremony to remember.

This is what I call a Buddhist funeral and I kind of liked the idea and thought to myself and my own funeral maybe this is a good idea. Why not? Even if it is a Buddhist/Hindi ritual why can it not be ok for me being a Christian? Does this take away my belief in Christ? I dont think so. So I imagined myself being pushed out on the water on a burning float, slowly being cremated and buried in the water.

I have one suggestion to make sure that I will be cremated, fill me up with whisky and rum to be sure that I really will burn up!! Kind of funny and a little humourous but so what! Or like they say when you put fire in the restaurant. FLAMBEÉD!

Anyway this idea came to me because I did not have a shovel to bury my little squirrel friend and I had a good wooden box and I could go to a lake nearby to perform the ceremony. By the way it is very ecological because the fuel burn up..the rags burn up and the box burn up…..and of course my little friend.

No tomorrow..

…sometimes I live like there is no tomorrow… I am here and now… The choices and the descions I make are now!! The consequenses are a later subject. To discuss. But like life has taught me.. that if I dont jump…who will? Am I a bystander? Or a jumper? Well in my case a little bit of both! Maybe I should be more of a jumper?


other differences like language, history, food, climate, colour of skin, sociala differences, educational possibilities and probably more. All of these (and maybe more) is what defines us and make us to be the person we become.

Actually there is one more important thing that matters a lot depending in what society, country you were born in. The prerequisites you have from birth determines a lot as to what or who you become. This is your personality which then grows up with the above mentioned conditions, culture, history, language etc. Lets say you have some basics but there are possibilities for alterations, that diviate from the obvious, predestined. How you counteract your predestined life?

I have read a book about a investigation that concerns 2 kind of people. The basic idea of this investigation /survey is that most people stay in the town /neighbourhood where they grew up. They really dont come so much further. There are different aspects as how to relate to this investigation/survey/research. The author himself is a critic of thoose that never move away or at least for some part of their lifes are away from this comfortzone/place of birth. He (and this is my idea as well) is that there are 2 things that move you out and away from this comfortzone. He emphasises education as one of them. Why? Because almost as a consequense of higher education moves you away from home and out into the world thus exposing yourself to other cultures etc. This does not mean you have to move to another country, it is enough you change city or live/settle in another part of your country.

The point is that is, in my opinion, that people that never move away from their place of birth dont get very much out of life. But you dont have to have a higher education, you can just move into the unknown world. Become a citizen of the world and thus exposing yourself to other cultures and as a consequense be affected and become a different person. This is a fact.

Of course I understand and recognice that there are people that are born in places that absolutely dont allow them this freedom or opportunity to be able to move. Many are born into very closed and strong cultures thus making it impossible to move. I can only symphatise with these people and especially women that are born predestined to a life ruled by strong cultural rules.

Then there are people born with disabilities like cp defects or people with down syndrome and the likes, born so to say dysfunctional. I have worked many years with this group and have learned a lot. They are depending on people like me to be able to get experiences outside of their place of birth. In my experience of working in different positions I must say that working with this group has been most rewarding. They are natural, loving, spontaneus and more.

My God, if it continues like this I will never get to the point of why I started this. Actually I just wanted to try and explain why I make certain choices in life. It is not easy to just say it in one sentence because then it will be open for a lot of misunderstanding, misconceptions, misinterpretation etc. To my knowledge and experience people will still find that straw that they dont agree with and critisize. My point really is not to convince anyone to choose what I choose, God forbid. I am just trying to explain how I make choices sometimes big (which takes more time) and sometimes small (everyday choices) that does not require too much effort. It is in some cases easy to overanalyse choices and as a consequense never become a Choice!

When DOES a friend BECOME A friend…

I have thought about this lately in my life, especially since I moved to this new place/village. I have lived here for almost 6 months now. It was a big change in my life leaving the known, including friends of old. People that I know/knew since I was 5-6 years old.

This new place is a new start in many ways. Getting adjusted to a completly new environement and routines. Including finding new friends. A new social context, with all what it means. Just to get around and where is my place. Not that I am so concerned to find my place or fit in. This is one of the reasons why I moved. I dont want to fit in/or having a difficulty to conform —in a way. When you live long enough in one place you somehow slowly fit in/conform. Like a slow working poison that get into your system without you even noticing it.

It is like when you get used to a certain climate whether it is cold or hot. You just learn to adjust/conform .

So what does this have to do with my my subject FRIENDS or FRIEND! I came here to my new home and not having any friend(s). I meet this person the first evening that I was here. A wonderful meeting… like 2 peas in a pod. A lot in common concerning the philosophical questions. He is a person a few years younger than me with a colourful background to say the least. This has grown through the months we have known each other. There have been arguments and differences in how we look at things and view life, but not enough to break the friendship.

My point is that friendship is not based on loose, temporary accidental meetings. Friendship is like a plant that needs both roots, trunk and branches. After this you can grow leaves, flowers, fruits etc.

But for me the most important part of the tree in friendship are the roots. Without this you cannot have a real lasting friendship. In the dark beneath the soil you find the thoose things that really is what friends are all about. So what are the roots deep down in the dark dirt. This is where your secrets, not the glamour or glory is ”buried” thoose things that has formed your personality/character.

My point is that to form a friendship you have to reveal what is below and not above(the obvious) that everybody can see. It is in learning and seeing and really knowing the other persons weaknesses (and of course vice-versa) is what forms/create a friendship.

So this new ”friend”have not demonstrated weaknesses more than the comfortable weaknesses. The point is that we are often very willing to admit some of thoose weaknesses that are close to the surface/the trunk. But thoose weaknesses/ truths buried way down there in the dark, that really exposes us…..this is not easy. Because this is what make you vulnerable.

We all have them and strangely enough thoose truths are often what defines us and it is what have shaped us given our character.

Anyway with this new friend…. There is progress!


sometimes when I stand on my balcony or any other place I try to catch the wind. I stand there and wait for that certain brezze that not only touches my skin and make me feel the strokes against my skin but also creepes into my nose and nostrils to arouse my senses of smell and I am like a dog trying to catch what is in that smell. Is there something that I should be aware of or is it just air. Even if it is only air/oxygen it is enough for me. What is important is to feel the wind and like nourishment breathe in the Wind.

Believe in someone…

has its advantages or/and disadvantages….why? Because there are at least two different kind of people/characters/personalities….etc to put your beliefe or trust in. This is why/where it is so difficult to draw the line! Because how do you say/how do you know Who is Who? We are allll susceptible? or easily manipultated/deceived by what is called submersive influencers. People that tend to be charisimatic/emphatic/intelligent etc.

We get so easily sucked into this. Why? There are a number of things/reasons which the perpetrator is fully aware off. These people that abuse/prey on these weaknesses are totally pshychotic and have no guilt, no emphaty, no humn values etc but only one goal to gain! And gain is only materialistic gain for themselves.

The people in this business are ruthless…inhuman…nonethical…! Totally alianted from values that you and I are used to. It is just so so so so incomprehensible! Because they have created an alternative world with other ethics, morals, emphaty….where their truths are in complete opposite of the so called normal world.

So if you do right in their world it is wrong by our standards, but in their world by their standards it is perfectly right….

How do you approach this thinking? Where do you begin??


has so many levels…somatic, psychological or even just plain everyday life! To start with the last, we dont always have to symptomise, analyse, diagnonise every pain that comes our way. We all have some level of pain but it does not necessarily have to be so complicated.

My problem is that I have a tendency to complicate, analyse too much. Even the slightest word of ”I dont feel so good” can turn me into a freudian analyst!! My me! I hope that I have learned something about myself. I jump on people and start to jump into deep waters when it is enough to dipp your feet.

Anyway my subject of recognising pain is easy for me…especially psychosomatic pain. Sometimes I am surprised how easy it is. Even after a few minutes of conversation I am hooked. I ask a few questions, listen to some answers…..ask a few more..(that is my problem…asking alllll the time). And people reveal themselfes like an open book. Most people I meet are so eager/hungry to talk…and ventilate…tell who they are, what they think…etc…

And this is where PAIN comes in…because almost if not every person I meet carries some pain…that they have a need to talk about. Something that burdens their heart/spirit. So from the perspective that I think/comtemplate pain is very subjective. It is everything in the perspective from the the person who is feeling/experiencing it. I can never say/imagine or even think to understand the other persons pain. I can feel it but that does not mean I can fully understand it.

The last point…Hmmm. My problem or sensitivity or feeling or compassion or emphaty recognition is somewhat above what is expected/normal. I make myself believe this especially after 25yeare so to say working proffesionally in social work…and before that in voluntary work (so-to-say) where humans were priority. I have learned something….I think…

Anyway this is what kind of ”plagues” me to have this sensitivity to pain and feeling other peoples pain….making it my pain…my problem etc. Sometimes it is difficult but I would not want to live without it! because what is the alternative? a cold, calcultating, psycho…..

…to be continued another day, month or year.


I have walked through so many doors in my life and also closed many many doors… Every door is like a chapter and some doors are heavier, they are books. Because they are so HEAVY to close and have some weight to it. This means it was not that easy to close. It was not just a closet door but a front door an entry door. These doors are having another construction, different material and quality. They are supposed to keep you safe and secure. So when you have to close these doors and start to build a new one it takes time. Building and construting a new home symbollically starts with a safe and secure door. Through this door everybody has to enter and step over its treshold. You decide to open or not and here you decide who is going to enter.

So are you careful about who enters your life? Do you have a good door? And do you have a treshold to decide who gets over it and enter into your life and your home.